knowing him.

seminary is a funny thing. i spend so much time studying interpretations of scripture and writings of early church fathers. i sit in my classes this semester and discuss scripture and theology and history and leadership. i love my my professors and i love what i'm learning, but at the end of the day, where does it leave me with God? sometimes i get overwhelmed with all the talking about God and just want to cry out with paul, "indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing christ jesus my lord" (philippians 3.8). everything i'm learning is worthless if in the end, i'm further away from knowing jesus. 

fortunately, most of my professors get this. my scriptures 1 prof is a crazy little asian lady that told us on the first day of class that she would kick our butts this semester. everyone knows she's the hardest teacher at the school. all of that to say, i was shocked on tuesday morning at the end of class when she told us that she wants us to learn and wants us to wrestle with scripture in a new way, but if her class does not lead us to a deeper understanding of the character of god, she believes she will have failed as our teacher. wow. i want to know him. i want to know his character. 

i'm still reading philip yancey's disappointment with god. in the chapter i read today, "why god doesn't explain," yancey talked about god's response at the end of the book of job. after all the craziness and all the debates between job and his friends, one would think god would offer some stellar explanation or clarification. nope. instead, he goes off about who he is and who job's not. frederick buechner says about god's speech: "god doesn't reveal his grand design. he reveals himself." interesting. 

i understand that, but i don't necessarily like it. it doesn't make the "why?" questions go away. but what am i wanting or expecting out of god? what possible explanation would satisfy me? yancey suggests this idea:

"knowledge is passive, intellectual; suffering is active, personal. no intellectual answer will solve suffering. perhaps this is why god sent his own son as one response to human pain, to experience it and absorb it into himself. the incarnation did not 'solve' human suffering, but at least it was an active and personal response."

fascinating, huh? as much as i question everything, and as much as i would love some concrete answers, i'm thankful that god sent a personal answer rather than an intellectual one. so maybe instead of asking him for explanations i should be asking him what it looks like to know him and understand his character...because i have to believe that everything else is worthless in comparison.

leadership.

i'm taking a class this semester called leadership in ministry. yesterday was our first day of class, and i'm already excited about it.

here's a quote from my professor, dr. levi price: "i don't care what you do with your life or what type of ministry you're involved in, but if you are not a good leader, you will not do well."

i know that seems pretty basic and simple, but i haven't been able to get it out of my mind. i hope it makes you think and challenges you like it has me. 

day by day.

i have to confess that a new year brings with it a lot of excitement and expectation, but maybe also a little fear? it can be a little overwhelming if you ask me. however, my mom has me stuck on this idea of living life day by day. i can't think about living 2009, i have to think about living today, january 10th.

right after dad died, i was living breath to breath, then i could go minute to minute, then hour to hour, then maybe a few hours at a time. after a while, i would try to take a day at a time, a few days at a time, a week at a time...etc. now, as the two-year mark is quickly approaching, i feel like i should be able to conquer another year, but let's be honest, it really scares me.

but here's my question: why do i think it's a sign of strength to be able to live year to year, or even month to month? is that type of living anywhere in the bible? i could be wrong, but i'm going to suggest that it's not. maybe it's quite the opposite, actually. i think we're created to live one day at a time.

look at the israelites in exodus 16. the Lord rained down bread from heaven for his people to eat. he commanded them to "go out and gather a day's portion every day" (v.4). isn't it interesting that he didn't give them massive amounts of bread to store up and ration out on their own? this way, the people were required to trust his provision every single morning. and did he fail? absolutely not. "morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat" (v.21). he wasn't just giving them enough to get by. they were able to eat their fill.

so is it any coincidence that when Jesus taught on prayer, he prayed, "give us this day our daily bread" (matthew 6.11)? or that a little later in that sermon, he said "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (6.34)?

as i face 2009, i want to learn how to live day by day. i want to know what it is to daily trust God in my grief, in my family, in my relationships, in my schoolwork. do i really believe that he will always provide?