conversations.

i just got back from a weekend in alabama with some of my closest friends in the world. it was so fun to pick up right where we left off, eating at some of our favorite places, cheering on our auburn tigers, and just enjoying being with each other.

through the course of the weekend, i had a few really thought-provoking conversations. i'm not sure how to make them all relate,  so how about i just make a list? 

1. justin hefner. this boy grew up in lubbock, lived the dream in austin, then fell in love with my best friend and up and moved to birmingham to be with her. he's absolutely experiencing the culture shock that comes with moving from texas to the southeast (exhibit a: me in 2004). it was fun to talk about texas with him and to make fun of him for living in birmingham, but it was more fun to talk about the reason why he's living in birmingham. it blows my mind that a boy would love a girl so much that he would give up everything he loves and everything that makes sense, and step into her world to show her that he values her. wow. maybe i'm making too big of a deal out of this, and i hate to over-spiritualize things, but is that not a picture of christ? pretty cool.

2. katy crane. this girl just spent 6 months traveling the world with ywam. now she's back in birmingham going to ot school at uab. she's a different person--she's the same katy crane that i grew to love, but with a different perspective on life. it was so cool just to be around her and see and hear about how she approaches life in a new way. it was fun to see her bedroom covered in pictures of children's faces from literally all around the world. beautiful.

3. rachel wilson. this girl spent her friday night with people from her church serving dinner to homeless people in downtown birmingham. she talked about how she had always viewed the homeless as untouchables, but friday night completely changed her perspective. she met a homeless man that loved the lord and knew scripture backwards and forwards. it blew her mind. he told her about how he ended up homeless--not because he's lazy and helpless, but just because of a certain course of events. it's so fun to see people be exposed to people that are nothing like them--it HAS to change them. it's so fun when people see the bigger picture of the church and catch the passion and desire to be a part of it. 

4. benji and michael. these are the guys i sat next to on my flight back to texas. they grew up together in a small town in texas. michael is a little slow mentally, and growing up, benji's family was always a safe place for him. michael loves college football, so every year benji takes him to a different college football game. this time they went to see the vols play in neyland stadium. when benji found out i was in seminary, he very point blank asked me what i thought about the church in america. as a believer and an attender of a mega-church in dallas, he had a lot of thoughts to share on this topic and was eager to hear what those of us that study this topic have to say about it. the more we talked the more i realized that benji got it much more than i did. i could talk about statistics i've learned and issues i've observed, but he wanted to talk about matters of the heart. why doesn't the church spend more of its resources on others than on staff salaries? why can't we figure out a way to give all of the tithe money away? why is the church more focused on buildings than community? wow. i didn't know how to answer these questions, because they are questions i'm asking as well. in the end i realized that benji's life--the way he loves the lord and the way he loves michael--is more of a picture of jesus and the kingdom of God than some church buildings i've been to. 

5. bernie moraga. this man works for the cooperative baptist fellowship (cbf). he's in town for something going on at truett, so he and my roommate's dad took my roommate and me to dinner last night. we sat across from each other and had a great time making fun of his english and my spanish. during the meal, he asked me the token question: what do you want to do after you graduate from seminary? of course i tried to dodge the question at first, but then i just started dreaming out loud, sharing with him all the crazy ideas i've had about my future. when i finished rambling, he looked at me very seriously and told me he thought i should get into public relations. i laughed and told him it was too late for that. then, still serious, he told me he meant public relations for the kingdom. i had a hard time not laughing again, because the idea sounds pretty cheesy, but once he started explaining it, i wanted to jump on board. he talked about how the kingdom has too many people talking and not enough people doing. he said i had the option to be pepper and be overbearing, or to be salt and be seasoning; the choice to blend into the darkness, or to be a light. wow. pretty convicting, huh?

sorry this post is long, but i can't get these five conversations out of my mind, and i wanted to share them with you. i hope they challenge and convict you as much as they do me. i hope people can see jesus when they interact with me in the same way i have seen jesus by interacting with these people.

faith.

d.l. moody:

"i prayed for faith and thought that some day it would come down and strike me like lightning. but faith didn't seem to come. one day i read in romans that 'faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of god.' i had up to this time, closed my bible and prayed for faith. now i opened my bible and began to study and faith has been growing ever since." 

still overwhelmed.

in the last few days that i've been home, faces and events from my summer have been on constant replay in my mind. i feel like i can't really explain my experiences at kaa and in ethiopia, which doesn't help the fact that i feel like no one can really understand them. 

at kaa, for three whole months, i lived with, worked alongside of, ministered to, and became good friends with people of completely different lifestyles and backgrounds than my own. i worked hard and sweat a lot, learning what servanthood and humility really look like. i was surrounded by people that weren't the most theologically educated, but they certainly knew how to love jesus and how to serve him--and how many people that are theologically educated only talk about those things? for three months, i lived in a world where all that mattered was loving god and serving him. my main responsibilities were to love god and to love my girls, to serve the kampers and counselors and to work with an incredible leadership team. pretty good job description, eh?

then i went to ethiopia, where for a solid week i surrounded myself with people who also love god. these people were truly trying to figure out the meaning of james 1.27. my eyes literally saw some unbelievable things--beautiful faces, rich culture, extreme poverty. my ears heard the laughter of children, the cries of babies, and the conversations of american couples desiring to glorify god with what he has given them--seeking to be not merely donors, but rather stewards. i was so convicted to evaluate my own life--my resources, my gifts, my education, my time, my life experiences--and to figure out how to really be a good steward of who i am and what i've been given. it takes me back to romans 11.36. 

all summer i felt such a sense of purpose, such an ability to see clearly how god was working and how i could be a part of it. now, i feel so helpless and so disconnected from what i saw this summer. comparatively, i feel like my life now lacks direction and purpose, and i'm not really sure where to go from here. i want my life to have meaning. i want it to count for something...but what does that really look like? 

ethiopia.

so literally 24 hours after i left kamp, i was at dfw hopping on a plane to ethiopia. my life is not real. i was in ethiopia with buckner international august 7th-15th and now i'm home until school starts back up on the 24th.

coming off such an intense summer, i'm just really overwhelmed. physically, i'm exhausted. emotionally, i feel like my heart has been pulled in a million different directions in the last 3 months, and i'm not sure where that leaves me now. spiritually, i think i've known the lord in a new way this summer. i've tasted and seen his goodness, but i'm scared i'll soon find myself where i was before this summer began. 

ethiopia was unbelievable. i've dreamed of going to africa, and i've dreamed of traveling with some of those friends, so i knew it would be a phenomenal trip, but it even surpassed my expectations. the ethiopian people are easily the most beautiful i've ever seen. it's hard to think of any other word to describe the trip but OVERWHELMING. i was amazed to see the ways god is working in that country. i was inspired by the faith and hope and love of the believers there. 

hopefully, i'll have more thoughts for you later, but so far i haven't gotten much further than this. sara groves sums up a lot of my thoughts/feelings in her song, "i saw what i saw." download it.

running through the tape.

i wrote my last post on one of my first 24s of the summer and here i am writing this post on my very last 24. crazy. i really can't believe i'm so close to the end of my time here at kaa. i really have grown to love this place. i love the people, i love the atmosphere, i love the music, i love the conversations, i love the attire, i love having a lake in my backyard, i love feeling exhausted at the end of every day. and to be honest, all summer the thought of leaving this place has created somewhat of a haunting fear in me. i know that sounds bizarre and maybe even dramatic, but i'm being completely serious. it has been such an incredible summer, such a unique experience--not like a super spiritual, emotional, "mountain-top" experience, but just a very humbling, challenging, stretching experience. 

i'm scared to face the reality that i may never be back. i'm scared that when i leave and go back to normal life, i won't sense purpose and meaning in everyday life like i do here. i'm scared to be around people that act like they have it all together instead of the people here that are so open and honest about where they've come from and where they are now. i'm scared i'll go back to going lengthy amounts of time without thinking about the lord or recognizing my need for him. i'm scared i'll return to thoughts and feelings of spiritual apathy and irrelevance. and again, it's not like everything has clicked here and everything makes complete sense now, but i do feel less like a crazy and my relationship with god does seem a little more real and more purposeful.

so pray for me as i strive to make the most of my last week at kamp. pray that i won't throw in the towel and check out early but that i'll finish strong, run through the tape, and maximize my time, taking advantage of every opportunity with my girls. and maybe most importantly, pray for me as i prepare to leave on august 6th.