running through the tape.

i wrote my last post on one of my first 24s of the summer and here i am writing this post on my very last 24. crazy. i really can't believe i'm so close to the end of my time here at kaa. i really have grown to love this place. i love the people, i love the atmosphere, i love the music, i love the conversations, i love the attire, i love having a lake in my backyard, i love feeling exhausted at the end of every day. and to be honest, all summer the thought of leaving this place has created somewhat of a haunting fear in me. i know that sounds bizarre and maybe even dramatic, but i'm being completely serious. it has been such an incredible summer, such a unique experience--not like a super spiritual, emotional, "mountain-top" experience, but just a very humbling, challenging, stretching experience. 

i'm scared to face the reality that i may never be back. i'm scared that when i leave and go back to normal life, i won't sense purpose and meaning in everyday life like i do here. i'm scared to be around people that act like they have it all together instead of the people here that are so open and honest about where they've come from and where they are now. i'm scared i'll go back to going lengthy amounts of time without thinking about the lord or recognizing my need for him. i'm scared i'll return to thoughts and feelings of spiritual apathy and irrelevance. and again, it's not like everything has clicked here and everything makes complete sense now, but i do feel less like a crazy and my relationship with god does seem a little more real and more purposeful.

so pray for me as i strive to make the most of my last week at kamp. pray that i won't throw in the towel and check out early but that i'll finish strong, run through the tape, and maximize my time, taking advantage of every opportunity with my girls. and maybe most importantly, pray for me as i prepare to leave on august 6th. 

kaa. u know.

sitting in the panera in good ol' branson, missouri. praise god for free wifi.

so i'm spending my summer at kids across america, serving as dhdl, dining hall discipleship leader--essentially, i run the kitchen but don't cook the food. the girls under me are called "komos," and we're in charge of all the cleaning and serving, but the cooks actually cook the food. let's just say we spend 12ish hours in the kitchen every day--about 4 hours each meal. we have 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners each day, serving about 500 people 3 times a day. needless to say, it's an absolutely exhausting job, but definitely rewarding. the kampers are inner-city kids from all over the country, and they come for 8 day sessions. session 2 wraps up tomorrow and session 3 starts on the 17th. crazy. also, 3 kamper sessions equal 1 staff term, so my komos change every term. this first term has gone by so quickly!

i feel like for the last two years i really haven't had to think outside of me and my family. i mean, in grief it's understandable, but going into this summer i think i was just really ready to focus on someone else besides myself. also, after being so wrapped up in the seminary world, i think i was just craving an opportunity to do hands-on ministry rather than just learning about it in a classroom. all of that to say, this position has fulfilled both of those desires....and it is REALLY stretching me. it is draining on every level--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. however, i think it's a good place for me to be, because i'm realizing how little i have to offer on my own, and when i'm running on empty i have no choice but to turn to the Lord. it's been interesting, and i feel like after a whole summer of it, i might come out of it a different person. i guess one of my biggest fears is that it'll just turn into a job and at the end of the summer i'll look up and won't have taken advantage of my time here.

i've been hanging out in the psalms a lot recently, so i'll leave you with a few verses from psalm 73 that i can't get out of my head.

psalm 73.25-26,28: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. but for me it is good to be near god; i have made the lord god my refuge, that i may tell of all your works." 

and finally, go download one of my new favorite songs: "bless the lord (son of man)" by tye tribbett & g.a.

understanding.

in my class on early church fathers, we recently had to read anselm's proslogium. it is essentially a discourse on proving the existence of God, whom anselm defines as "a being than which nothing greater can be conceived." this work was originally titled "faith seeking understanding," so needless to say, i was intrigued from the start.

i wanted to share these thoughts from chapter I:

"I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand. For this also I believe--that unless I believed, I should not understand." 

unfortunately, i think i have this backwards most of the time. i seek understanding as a prerequisite to belief, but according to anselm, without belief, there will not be understanding.

i was convicted by this c.s. lewis quote on my brother's blog:

"If Christianity were something we were making up, of course we could make it easier. But it is not. We cannot compete in simplicity with people who are inventing religions. How could we? We are dealing with fact. Of course anyone can be simple if he has no facts to bother about."

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that i will always have unanswered questions and will never simply understand this faith. perhaps satisfaction comes in the seeking, in the wrestling, in the hungering and thirsting.

matthew 5.6-- "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

thoughts about God.

"That our idea of God corresponds as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God. A right conception of God is basic not only to systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well. It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse. I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignorable thoughts about God."

--a.w. tozer, cited in renovation of the heart, by dallas willard

i'm pretty sure that my idea of God is way off sometimes. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, my actual thoughts about God are probably not even close to being in line with His actual character. and without a doubt, the way i live is in direct relation to my concept of who God is. 

for example, in chapel this week, the speaker asked: do you really know that God loves you? what if you lived like you really believed that?

i've been thinking about those questions all week. i want to know the truth about God. i want to know Him. 

 

healing.

a friend shared this with me. interesting thoughts. i think it's by brennan manning. enjoy!

Healing is a response to a crisis of another person...

Healing becomes the opportunity to pass off to another human being what I have received from the Lord Jesus; namely His unconditional acceptance of me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am. 

When I have passed that same reality on to another human being, the result most often has been the inner healing of their heart through the touch of my affirmation. To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary...When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation.

Finally, brethren, Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Phil. 4:8