grand design.

i hate the flashbacks. they happen all the time, but especially this morning. in my mind, i remember everything happening on a tuesday morning, so that would be today, but i know the big 27th date is tomorrow. am i crazy to recognize a number on a calendar?

i'm seeing the necessity to "take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 cor. 10.5). it's easy to get lost in flashbacks. satan likes to use them to his advantage, distorting the truth, making me believe lies, letting me grow comfortable in my discomfort...but honestly, sometimes it seems easier to harbor thoughts of being lonely and misunderstood than to find the strength to "choose life" (deut. 30.19).

music speaks to my soul. certain artists have put into words what my heart longs to cry out. this song was on repeat in my head as i fought waking up this morning.

"grand design"--jill phillips

i knew it all along that this day was coming
even though i knew it doesn't hurt any less
but somehow the suffering draws me to you
i could start running in anger
but then what's the point of a savior

i feel the pain but it still doesn't change who you are
nothing i feel is outside of the reach of your arms
my whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
in your hands that are waiting to put them together again

just like i know you will in your own time, in your own wisdom
one day i'll look back and see the grand design
maybe it will make sense then, these questions i have
but with it all here front and center
sometimes it's hard to remember

i could start running in anger
but then what's the point of a savior