did someone move the finish line?

i like to turn most things in life into analogies. my mind just understands things better like that. lucky for me, writers like paul liked analogies, too. needless to say, get ready for one...

on saturday, my friend and i ran the country music half-marathon (http://cmmarathon.com) in nashville. we did this same one last year, but maybe last year i felt more trained and more prepared for the big day. going into this year's race, i was genuinely nervous and honestly thought i wouldn't make it. i was telling myself it was okay if i had to stop and walk, i just wanted to finish.

likewise, last week i started feeling incredibly overwhelmed one night. i just have this reccuring thought that there's no possible way i'm going to make it through these next couple of weeks. perhaps that sounds dramatic, but i'm just being honest. i know every graduating senior starts to freak out over the end and the new beginnings, but in my life all of those fears of transition are just thrown in with all the other fears and uncertainties that come along with grief. about 14 months ago, my life underwent a huge change, so in my mind, i associate dramatic life changes with pain and heartache.

i can't help but hurt when i think about Dad's absence at graduation. i want him to be standing around the grill with all of my roommates' dads at our party the night before. i want him to be getting so frustrated and yelling things like "dad-gummit" during the infamous moving out process. i want him to be so proud to have 3 college graduates and so happy to not be sending all of his money to a university he had no interest in only a few years ago.

but back to the marathon. we had a blast and the run actually felt really good. i even finished with a faster time than i had last year, which doesn't really make any sense in light of my lack of training. that's not to say that there weren't a few times i questioned my decision to run 13.1 miles. around mile 3, i found myself wondering if i was really going to be able to run 10 more miles. around mile 10, my body was really starting to feel it, but at that point i had already reached double digits, so i wasn't about to quit. the last mile felt the longest, and i laughed when someone ran by me wearing a tank-top that said "did someone move the finish line?"

unfortunately, in my life right now i don't see a "finish line," but i'm told in hebrews 12 to "run with endurance the race that is set before [me], looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of [my] faith..." in the marathon, when i wasn't sure if i would make it, i was too stubborn to give up. at 10 miles, if i had made it that far, i certainly could finish. maybe it's okay for me to feel stubborn in my faith. although it rarely makes sense to me, i'm not about to throw in the towel. although the next few years, months, weeks, days, even hours seem almost impossible to bear, i can look back on the last 14 months and see that i've made it this far without falling apart, so there's no need to bail on my faith now. isaiah 40 claims that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength...they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." why? because "He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable."

sometimes i want to scream at the top of my lungs, "DID SOMEONE MOVE THE FINISH LINE?!" in other words, when do i get the finisher's medal? is this ever going to end? that's when i feel like paul screams right back at me through his words in 1 corinthians 9. i like it from the message version: "everyone runs; one wins. run to win. all good athletes train hard. they do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. you're after one that's gold eternally. i don't know about you, but i'm running hard for the finish line. i'm giving it everything i've got."

i don't know what all of this really looks like in those overwhelming moments when the pain literally takes my breath away, but i do know that i'm too stubborn to give up. i must persevere, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the One who will perfect this clumsy faith of mine.