it's not supposed to be like this.

last wednesday night, american idol did their annual "idol gives back" show where they bring in all kinds of celebrities and artists to raise money and awareness for people in need around the world. they had daughtry in uganda, bono in south africa, alicia keys somewhere else in africa, another famous person in new orleans, and the list goes on...

typically, i'm not one to cry much, especially when it would be an expected response, so the fact that this show brought me to tears should be shocking to those of you that really know me. i cried myself to sleep that night thinking about the pain i had seen on the show and the pain i've experienced in my own life, and the only thought i had was "it's not supposed to be like this."

i guess it's not as much an issue of right and wrong as much as it is a matter of SURELY God doesn't want us to hurt this badly. surely there's a better way. basically, i just found myself incredibly overwhelmed by the brokenness of this world and wondering where God fit in to all of it.

i finally finished that book, the shack, this weekend. i want to share another part of it, and honestly, this probabaly won't be the last time i refer to it. in chapter 11, the main character, mack, is asking why his daughter had to die. here's the response he gets from sophia, the personification of wisdom:

"He doesn't stop a lot of things that cause him pain. Your world is severely broken. You demanded your independence, and now you are angry with the one who loved you enough to give it to you. Nothing is as it should be, as Papa desires it to be, and as it will be one day. Right now your world is lost in darkness and chaos, and horrible things happen to those that he is especially fond of...Give up being his judge and know Papa for who he is. Then you will be able to embrace his love in the midst of your pain, instead of pushing him away with your self-centered perception of how you think the universe should be."

in chapter 13, mack's in a similar conversation with Papa (God) and this is one of the responses He gives:

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

a good friend recently reminded me that God isn't trading baseball cards in my life. it's not like He's saying, "i'll trade this bad circumstance for this good one." confession: romans 8.28 can sound like that to me sometimes, but i have to believe that isn't the God i know.

so who is the God that i know? i've never thought about the fact that i'm deeming myself a superior judge when i tell Him that this isn't the way my life is supposed to look and that it's not right for people to be hurting all over the world and basically that i think He's going about a lot of things in the wrong way.

it's in these moments that i realize i don't really understand God's love for me, and if i do, i certainly don't act or live or think like it. when my focus is on brokenness, my perspective of God is far from good, gracious, and loving...but if i believe Him to be those things, and turn my focus there, my perspective on brokenness should change, right?

sorry i don't have a good ending thought to pull this all together and end on a good note, but i'm striving for honesty here...so this is where i am this afternoon. these are my thoughts.