o me of little faith.

if asked about God's love, i would without a doubt tell you that God loves you unconditionally. however, i've realized recently that when all else is stripped away, i'm not sure if i believe this for me.

and here's where it gets confusing. if God knows i have a hard time understanding His love for me, why would He make it any harder? if He knew that Dad loved me so well and showed me God's love so beautifully, why would He take that away?! that doesn't seem very loving.

in my mind, this is what it's like: here's a great idea...i know you feel unbelievably loved and secure in your dad, and i know he helps you know Me better, but i'm gonna take him away and leave a gaping wound there. unfortunately, there's no real replacement, so surgery doesn't seem like an option. in fact, not a whole lot can make it much better, but you can just hope for stitches that will maybe hold it together...but those will only be found if you've got faith, which clearly you're kinda struggling with right now...so i'm not really sure where that leaves you...probably just with a lousy bandaid that will start to stick, then get ripped off over and over again. lovely.

so i've been thinking about this passage recently--matthew 14.26-33--the classic story of peter walking on water. the disciples fear, jesus invites, peter doubts and cries for help, jesus calls him out then controls the storm, then everyone worships Him. jesus speaks three times in this story. the gentle assurance of "take heart; it is i. do not be afraid." the beautiful simplicity of "come." or probably His favorite line with me, "o you of little faith, why did you doubt?" at this point, i need peter to push the envelope a little further like he tends to do. i would have responded with "why did i doubt?! well maybe because this storm is out of control and i thought i could trust you, but clearly i just ended up sinking." i guess that's when jesus would have said, "what storm?! oh you mean the one that just obeyed my command? quit looking at the waves and keep your eyes on me." great answer, but maybe a little easier said than done...?

going into encounter tonight with all of these thoughts, i was silenced when we sang crowder's song, "never let go." simple but powerful lyrics:

when clouds veil sun and disaster comes
oh my soul...
when waters rise and hope takes flight
oh my soul...

ever faithful, ever true
you i know
you never let go...

when clouds brought rain and disaster came
oh my soul...
when waters rose and hope had flown
oh my soul...

oh my soul overflows
oh what love, oh what love
oh my soul fills with hope
perfect love that never lets go

oh what love, oh what love...
in joy and pain, in sun and rain
you're the same
oh, you never let go

what if i lived truly knowing and living in this perfect love for me that refuses to let me go?! what if my soul hoped in His consistency rather than being overwhelmed by changing and challenging circumstances?