blog from a skeptic

last night i finally finished a book called "letters from a skeptic" by greg boyd. i think i mentioned it in a previous blog. i whole-heartedly recommend it, especially if you've ever questioned things about God or faith. basically it's a collection of letters between greg and his father, who goes from being a bad ass atheist to believer with beautiful, childlike faith. it's an incredible journey. at the end, he admits that he still has questions, but now he'll ask them not as a skeptic, but as a believer.

that struck me, because i think i ask my questions as a skeptic...like when i ask, i feel hopeless that i'll find a satisfactory answer, and when someone does give me an answer, i doubt the answers. 

i don't really know why i'm like this. the questions started over 2 years ago, but i know that somewhere in there, there was a season in which i depended on God more than i questioned Him. like right after dad died, i felt like God was all i had, so i needed him to be real in those days. then somewhere in the stages of grief, i turned from that to being angry and frustrated with Him, which i believe is completely okay, but what's not okay is that instead of taking it out on Him and working through things with Him, i just shut down in my relationship with Him. 

i'm not saying i like this or that i want it to be this way. the truth is, i desire that childlike faith. i want to know Him. i want to trust Him. i want to love Him. i just don't know how to get to that place. i feel like the answer is prayer, but prayer frustrates me. we've been talking about prayer all semester in my covenant group at truett, and basically, i think they all think i'm crazy. i feel like they don't know what to do when i question things or make things complicated. it's so easy to feel misunderstood.

i thought about this question last night and i'm still thinking on it: do i really believe that God understands me? that He gets me? that He doesn't think i'm crazy?