blah and beautiful.

i feel like there's a whole lot i could write about right now. so much has happened in the week or so that i've been home. 

my oldest brother, luke, got married last weekend. honestly, i thought it was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. there were just so many emotions involved. good news: the wedding day was perfect. it really could not have been better. it was one of the most intimate and worshipful ceremonies i've ever seen. as has been true throughout this entire season of grief, the anticipation was much worse than the actual event. in the anticipation, there was so much anxiety and fear and sorrow, but on the actual day there was a peace that "surpasses all understanding" (phil. 4.7). like my brother wrote in his blog, it's funny that we let ourselves freak out over and over again, when in reality, God has been nothing but faithful to us. 

so now, in the post-wedding days, our focus has turned to christmas. since the christmas season and nostalgia are somewhat of a package deal, and since i tend to be somewhat nostalgic, i'm usually all about the traditions, carols, and decorations, but for some reason, i just haven't been into it this year. our decorations are minimal because none of us were in the mood to decorate. mom wants to deviate from all traditions this year. (exhibit a: she's making mexican food for our christmas dinner.) and as far as carols go (not like rudolph, but like o holy night), i sat in our carols and candles service sunday night (usually the highlight of my year) and couldn't get excited about singing those songs. i'm not trying to sound like scrooge, i'm just trying to be honest about this funk i've been in.

i guess the bottom-line is that christmas #2 without dad has been tougher for me than the first. those of you that know me know that this doesn't mean i've been weeping and screaming, in fact, i haven't shed a tear (surprise). instead, it's just been this weird, underlying sadness that i can't seem to shake. and it's not the anxious anticipation i mentioned with the wedding, because it's not like a fear of christmas day...it's just...kinda blah. 

but good news: tonight was beautiful. our family adopted a family through buckner and delivered gifts and clothes to them tonight. this sweet hispanic family consisted of three little boys, a baby girl, and a single mom. they were so thankful and so joyful. tonight i understood the joy of christmas. it was good for us as a family to join together in serving other people. it was good to hug those kids. it was good to pray with them in their home. it was good to share hope and experience love. 

after tonight, my situation hasn't changed, but hopefully my focus has. it bothers me that the christmas carols don't excite me and that my heart just seems kinda removed from the christmas story, but when the feelings aren't there, i have to believe what i know to be true about the character of God. i have to believe he is my source of love, hope, joy and peace. and let's be honest, i have to think that he was probably more excited about us loving on a family in need than he was about us wearing christmas sweaters, holding candles, and singing "silent night."