homesick.

i feel like my faith is cruising on autopilot right now. don't get me wrong, i'm still full of unanswered questions, but i think i'm just tired of wrestling and being the over-analytical skeptic. i'm also maybe a little tired of the fact that i feel like it always comes back to just choosing to have faith no matter what. i recognize the value of that, but it seems so disengaged, almost spiteful....like a kid obeying his parents, but doing so kicking and screaming. that can't be right. so instead of actively choosing and fighting, i feel like i'm just cruising right now, but at least i'm not just giving up, right? 

i finally finished philip yancey's book, disappointment with god. this paragraph is from one of the last chapters:

"The Bible never belittles human disappointment (remember the proportion in Job--one chapter of restoration follows forty-one chapters of anguish), but it does add one key word: temporary. What we feel now, we will not always feel. Our disappointment is itself a sign, an aching, a hunger for something better. And faith is, in the end, a kind of homesickness--for a home we have never visited but have never once stopped longing for."

i know faith is supposed to be simple, but it's so confusing to me. however, i think i can get this "homesickness" description of faith. i long for something i don't even understand. my heart hopes for something that i can't walk away from. 

"and lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight..."