the whole two years thing really is so bizarre though. i know on the outside it sounds like a substantial amount of time, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. in the beginning, two years sounded so far away, but friday came...and went..and life just kept going. i don't know what else i expected, but it's weird to me that everything just keeps moving on. so where does that leave us now? like the first year, everything was so shocking and weird and different. the second year, i feel like we figured out how to make things work. so now that we're starting round 3, is it supposed to be normal life now? i mean, people talk about the "firsts," but who talks about the "thirds"? answer: nobody. but isn't it weird that all of the sudden it's supposed to be okay?
i had the realization last week that i'm in this really bizarre middle ground between being scared to remember him and being scared to forget him. it's like i don't let myself think about him much because i don't want it to hurt and i don't want to miss him but i certainly don't want to get to the place where i don't remember him or don't miss him. does that make any sense?
i was reading deuteronomy this week for my scriptures class and had forgotten how much i love that book. god continually reminds the israelites that the covenant between them is not based on their righteousness but on his divine grace. he continually reminds them of how he has constantly provided for them. it was such a good reminder for me that the same god that has been faithful to me in the past has been faithful to me in the last two years, is faithful to me today, and will continue to be faithful to me in the future. i have to believe that he is faithful even when i am faithless.
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CHOOSE THIS DAY! He has set before us LIFE and DEATH. CHOOSE LIFE. [deut 30 - one of your favs]
here's something to delight and rest in: we get to experience His faithfulness not because we believe in it, but because it exists. God does not cease to exist just because we don't believe. in the same, the character of God - Faithfulness, does not cease to exist just because we are at times faithless. He is available to us because HE IS, not because we need Him to be. our need just intensifies His being there.
so let there be no guilt or shame in little faith. for in your small, sometimes faithless self He has more space to be faithful. and remember, any amount of faith is faith at all. it's one of those yes or no things, not so much a sort of/sometimes/a little/every now and then things. some faith is all faith. it can be as big as a mountain or as small as a mustard seed - they are the same.
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