depth.

last thursday at encounter, matt spoke from philippians 2.15-16, which says, "...you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." that phrase "hold out" can also be translated as "hold on to." so essentially, matt's message was on what it means to hold out and hold on to the word of life no matter what circumstances may come. 

so i've been thinking about that over this last week. what does it even mean for me to cling to the word of life when the pain attacks me so unexpectedly? what does it look like for me to hold out the word of life in my spheres of influence? 

on tuesday morning at chapel, the guest preacher, dr. thomas long, spoke from luke 5.1-11. it's the story of jesus calling the first disciples. they'd been fishing all night and hadn't caught anything. jesus comes to them and says, "put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch." you know the rest of the story. they proceed to catch so many fish that their boats begin to sink. 

DEPTH. that's what i'm craving. i love the invitation to throw my net out into the deep. i love the invitation to hold on tight to the word of life, to cling with a white-knuckled grip to him and his truth. 

but too often recently i've just been getting by and living day to day. i'm learning a lot in my classes and i'm having fun making friends, but i've realized recently that i desperately miss depth. i miss it in my conversations, in my friendships, in my time in the Word, in my relationship with God. i treat the word of life casually instead of clinging to it desperately.

i'm not sure what hinders me from holding on to the word of life or from throwing my net out into the deep. maybe distractions. maybe a lack of time management. maybe fear of the result. maybe a lack of trust. do i really believe that it's worth it? it has to be. i have to believe that it is. 

i pray that i will shine like a star in the universe as i learn how to hold on to and hold out the word of life. i pray that i will learn how to trust him and throw my net out into the deep.

my heart wants to be able to cry out with paul in romans 11.33,36, "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen."

cg or fiji?

so i've officially been in class for 5 weeks. crazy. after being in waco for over a month, and after spending a weekend back in auburn, i have a few observations:

in waco, i go to concerts (that feel like band parties) at a coffee house instead of a frat house. the bands have been robbie seay and shawn mcdonald instead of velcro pygmies and fly by radio. i get coffee spilled on my toes instead of beer. (despite these differences, i still kinda feel like i have "FRESHMAN" written on my forehead, just like i did 4 years ago.)

does this mean waco is better or more of a "christian" environment?

here, being a christian is almost expected of people (if not in waco, it is on baylor's campus in general, and it certainly is at truett). there, true christians are far from a shunned minority, but they certainly aren't the popular majority either. here, being a christian seems to be just part of life. there, i see it as a chosen lifestyle. 

again, these are broad sweeping generalizations and just mere observations, but thought-provoking nonetheless. and i'm certainly not pointing fingers at either community because perhaps it's more of a personal thing. maybe it's just that when i'm constantly surrounded by it, when it's expected of me, it's easier to justify slacking off. but when it's a choice i'm having to make, i'm more likely to figure out for myself. interesting.

so back to the question. is waco a better environment than auburn? certainly not. i pray that my faith won't depend on environment or circumstance.

when the rubber meets the road...

in my intro to theology class we read a chapter each week discussing a highly debated issue in christian theology, then we have to choose a side of the debate and write an essay supporting our choice. this week was on the foreknowledge debate--essentially, does God know all things that will happen (the classical view), or does He know some things while leaving other things open to be determined by our freewill (the open view)? tough question. i had to realize that this is an issue that has been debated for several years, so the likelihood of me finding the definite answer is pretty slim. and maybe more importantly, the way God works cannot possibly be completely and fully understood by my human, finite mind. however, after wrestling with the issue and being forced to pick a side, i went with the classical view.

here's a thought: theological issues are kinda fun to talk about and debate in theory, but when the rubber meets the road, when these crazy ideas turn into what you're actually believing and banking your life on, it takes things to a whole new level. so as much as i hate saying this, i'm almost thankful that i'm in the trenches, that i'm living this out right now, that i'm in a place of wrestling with what i believe in the midst of tragedy, because otherwise, it would be easy to sit in these classes and just talk without having to put into practice. that's not to discredit the theology of people who haven't experienced tragedy, but that's just where i am. does that make sense?

all of that to say, i just thought i'd share the last few paragraphs of my essay from tuesday night's class. i can't help but see these issues through the lenses of my life experiences. anyway, here's the last part of the essay:

"It is easy to discuss this issue in theory, but when faced in real life experiences, how does it play out? Do these concepts of the classical view of divine foreknowledge still hold true in my day-to-day life, my monumental decisions, and my unexpected tragedies?

            I have to agree with David's proclamation in Psalm 139:16: "In your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."

            Therefore, in day-to-day life and in major life decisions, I believe that God foreknows what I will freely choose to do. I do not think that God has a mysterious, predetermined will that I can discover only if I pray enough and read the Bible enough. I do not believe that he causes us to choose something, but rather that in His sovereignty and omniscience, He knows what choice we will make.

            When unexpected tragedies occur, I do not believe that they are a surprise to God. Because I believe that He knows all that will happen, I believe that He foreknew that my dad would die of a sudden heart attack, and for some reason that I may never understand, He allowed it to happen. I cringe when fellow believers throw scriptures like Romans 8:28 to me like miraculous Band-Aids claiming that all things happen for a reason, because I do not believe that God is trading a bad circumstance for a good outcome like a couple of baseball cards. However, as Scripture reveals and as the Great Tradition affirms, I have to believe that my God foreknows all that shall come to pass, including great tragedy."

welcome to waco.

It’s been a while since I last blogged—surprise. But good news: I’ve discovered a new desire, a need really, for this type of processing. Life in Waco is good, but I find myself desperately wanting to be around someone that knows me. A few people here know me pretty well—friends from home, Kanakuk, etc.—but nobody here REALLY knows me. Maybe I should say that nobody here really knows me YET. We’ll see. All of that to say, I guess I’m doing this out of a desire to be known. Call me shallow, or maybe just call me human.

This is such a bizarre stage of life. I almost feel like a college freshman all over again, meeting new people and trying to make friends. It’s been a few years since I’ve had this feeling of being unknown. A group of us watched a movie together last night, and at one point I looked around the room and realized nobody there knew about my dad. Weird. It’s not really something to bring up in casual conversation, but at the same time, it’s a huge part of who I am.

Being here has been pretty tough in that area. I guess I’m naïve, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be as tough as it has been. I grew up coming to Baylor with my family, so this place is full of random childhood memories. The big thing is that I just can’t help but think about how giddy Dad would be about finally having a kid at Baylor. But perhaps the real issue is that this is the first big life transition I’ve had to go through without him. I want to call him after my classes and tell him what I’m learning and how incredible my professors are. He would be so proud of me. Maybe that sounds vain, but I miss hearing that and really knowing that.

So I don’t know where that leaves me, but in the words of Jordin Sparks: “one step at a time.”

hallelujah

there are a lot of songs on repeat in my head right now that are getting me through these days. most recently (as in the last 36 hours), this one has been especially on my heart.

"hallelujah"--bethany dillon

who can hold the stars and my weary heart?

who can see everything?

i've fallen so hard, sometimes i feel so far

but not beyond your reach.

i could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything

but it's when you hold me that i start unfolding

and all that i can say is...

hallelujah, hallelujah

whatever's in front of me

help me to sing hallelujah.

hallelujah, hallelujah

whatever's in front of me

i'll choose to sing hallelujah.

the same sun that rises over castles and welcomes the day

spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play.

and only you can see the good in broken things.

you took my heart of stone, and you made it home

and set this prisoner free.

hopefully i'll get to write more later, but for now, just know that there's been a lot of "unfolding" these days and a lot of desperately trying to "see the good in broken things." and sometimes, or maybe all the time, singing "hallelujah" has to be a choice that can only be made with His help.