help my unbelief.

i feel like i've got a ton of thoughts that have built up over the last week of spring break and easter, so it might take a few posts to process all of it.

i'm starting to wonder if most of life is just an endless cycle of good/bad, hope/disappointment, high/low, love/loss. such a cycle is exhausting and eventually leaves me over and over in this kind of crisis of belief. there's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel, but then there's another part of me, even if it's only the size of my eyelash, that senses a desperate need to keep holding on to Jesus. i know we're supposed to trust God to be constant in and through all of it, but sometimes that doesn't really make much sense and can start to feel like some mean joke someone's playing on me.

i have to keep coming back to the father in mark 9. he's begging Jesus to rebuke the unclean spirit that is destroying his son, and Christ claims that "all things are possible for one who believes." in response, the father cries out, "i believe; help my unbelief!" how many times can i join with him in crying out that prayer?!

when the rubber meets the road, the big question is--do i believe that He is who He says He is? in matthew 16, Christ asks His disciples, "who do people say that the son of man is?" they respond by telling Him different viewpoints, but then He really shoots straight with them. He asks, "but who do YOU say that i am?" Simon Peter breaks the awkward silence by declaring, "you are the Christ, the Son of the living God."

so who do i say that He is? again, do i really believe that He is who He says He is? and even if i claim to believe Him, do i live like i do? for example, when i'm stranded in the chicago airport for 9 hours trying to get home for Easter, knowing loneliness and despair pretty deeply, do i really believe that He is Emmanuel, God with ME?! and if i believed Him to be steadfast, would i question His goodness as frequently as i do? if i truly know that He loves me, wouldn't i trust His sovereignty when dreams are shattered and life isn't always so picture perfect?

i'm currently reading a book called the shack, by william p. young. in chapter 8, God is explaining to the main character, mackenzie, why humans have such a hard time trusting that reality is bigger than the small, incomplete picture that we see:

"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you don't think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything--the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives--is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't...Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."