maybe too honest.

my heart has been so heavy this week. i can't shake the feeling that i could lose it at any second. tomorrow it will be two years since dad died. what?! that's so weird to even type. the anticipation is always worse than the actual day, so i feel like i've been pretty checked out of life this week, but tomorrow will probably come and go and just be another day.

it's easy to feel alone, misunderstood, unknown, crazy....but the truth is, i have an abnormal amount of people in my life that genuinely care about me. so many people have been checking on me, asking how i'm doing or if they can do anything. unfortunately, i hate those questions because i absolutely have no idea how to answer them. i honestly cannot think of a good way to answer the "how are you doing?" question. i had a rough day on sunday and last night a friend asked me if i was doing better. i mean, thanks, but better?! what does that even mean? and the "can i do anything?" question is much appreciated but also a tough one. can you change the situation? no. can you take the pain away? no. everything else just feels like bandaids on a gaping wound or like we're treating the symptoms and not doing anything about the actual problem. 

okay maybe that was dramatic. honestly, i really am so thankful for those questions even though i hate them. it just shows that someone cares and wants to help. i wish someone could say something or do something to make it go away. i just desperately wish that someone could fix it, so then i get frustrated when they can't. not fair, i know.

thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for asking. thanks for being gracious when i'm unfair.