i feel like i've got a ton of thoughts that have built up over the last week of spring break and easter, so it might take a few posts to process all of it.
i'm starting to wonder if most of life is just an endless cycle of good/bad, hope/disappointment, high/low, love/loss. such a cycle is exhausting and eventually leaves me over and over in this kind of crisis of belief. there's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel, but then there's another part of me, even if it's only the size of my eyelash, that senses a desperate need to keep holding on to Jesus. i know we're supposed to trust God to be constant in and through all of it, but sometimes that doesn't really make much sense and can start to feel like some mean joke someone's playing on me.
i have to keep coming back to the father in mark 9. he's begging Jesus to rebuke the unclean spirit that is destroying his son, and Christ claims that "all things are possible for one who believes." in response, the father cries out, "i believe; help my unbelief!" how many times can i join with him in crying out that prayer?!
when the rubber meets the road, the big question is--do i believe that He is who He says He is? in matthew 16, Christ asks His disciples, "who do people say that the son of man is?" they respond by telling Him different viewpoints, but then He really shoots straight with them. He asks, "but who do YOU say that i am?" Simon Peter breaks the awkward silence by declaring, "you are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
so who do i say that He is? again, do i really believe that He is who He says He is? and even if i claim to believe Him, do i live like i do? for example, when i'm stranded in the chicago airport for 9 hours trying to get home for Easter, knowing loneliness and despair pretty deeply, do i really believe that He is Emmanuel, God with ME?! and if i believed Him to be steadfast, would i question His goodness as frequently as i do? if i truly know that He loves me, wouldn't i trust His sovereignty when dreams are shattered and life isn't always so picture perfect?
i'm currently reading a book called the shack, by william p. young. in chapter 8, God is explaining to the main character, mackenzie, why humans have such a hard time trusting that reality is bigger than the small, incomplete picture that we see:
"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you don't think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything--the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives--is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't...Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."
3.25.2008
3.12.2008
woven in the tapestry
I’ve been nervous to post anything in the last few days because of a fear of being TOO honest with my thoughts on here. More scary to me, though, would be to wear a mask when writing this blog, therefore skewing any attempt at vulnerability. Nobody needs to read anyone’s masked thoughts or “put together” story. There’s enough of that in this world already, especially among believers. Sad, but sometimes true.
On Monday, I attended the university’s memorial service for Lauren Burk. The administration handled it really well. Dr. Johnny Green, our Dean of students, is essentially a minister posing as a dean. He shared an inspirational and encouraging message, referencing scripture more than once. He talked about the prophet, Amos, and discussed such virtues as justice and goodness.
It is interesting to me that when someone is tragically murdered it can be dubbed “an untimely injustice,” but Dad’s death is supposed to be understood as God wanting to take him home in His perfect timing. I can’t understand that rationale, but I’m not convinced that it holds much truth worth understanding. Is dying of a sudden, unexpected heart-attack not tragic and shocking and “an untimely injustice”?? In the case of this murder, there is one to whom we can point the finger of blame, one who can be called “guilty.” And when he receives his just punishment, family and friends of Lauren can feel some sense of relief, or even fulfilled revenge. In the case of a heart-attack, who is to blame? It is tempting to point that finger at God, but like a child wanting to touch the hot stove, I know better.
I have to believe that in His sovereignty, this broken story of mine is beautiful. I have to believe that it will be woven in amongst others’ stories in the tapestry of His bigger story. I’ve been overwhelmed by this concept recently. On Saturday night, I attended a church in Nashville that was celebrating its tenth anniversary. The six founding couples shared stories and testimonies of the Lord’s faithfulness over the last ten years. One woman referred to 1 John 5.6-12 and discussed the power of our testimonies. “Whoever believes in the Son of God has the testimony in himself…And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life…” (v.10-12) There is power in testifying to others about my story of life in the Son of God. Praise God that others’ stories have heavily impacted my story (exhibit A: click on “inspiration” or “mentor” on the right), and I can only hope that my own will be used to affect the stories of others. Hence, the necessity for vulnerability here.
At the memorial service, Dr. Green also referred to Hebrews 12.1. Though the “great cloud of witnesses” may seem romantic and picturesque, I would rather picture my dad sitting on the couch at home reading the paper and watching ESPN. But I have to believe that he is in that group alongside other great heroes of faith, surrounding us and spurring us on with their stories that are being told and retold, as we are “looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.” That’s my only hope—to fix my eyes on Him and to trust Him with my feeble, broken faith. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me just as I am.
On Monday, I attended the university’s memorial service for Lauren Burk. The administration handled it really well. Dr. Johnny Green, our Dean of students, is essentially a minister posing as a dean. He shared an inspirational and encouraging message, referencing scripture more than once. He talked about the prophet, Amos, and discussed such virtues as justice and goodness.
It is interesting to me that when someone is tragically murdered it can be dubbed “an untimely injustice,” but Dad’s death is supposed to be understood as God wanting to take him home in His perfect timing. I can’t understand that rationale, but I’m not convinced that it holds much truth worth understanding. Is dying of a sudden, unexpected heart-attack not tragic and shocking and “an untimely injustice”?? In the case of this murder, there is one to whom we can point the finger of blame, one who can be called “guilty.” And when he receives his just punishment, family and friends of Lauren can feel some sense of relief, or even fulfilled revenge. In the case of a heart-attack, who is to blame? It is tempting to point that finger at God, but like a child wanting to touch the hot stove, I know better.
I have to believe that in His sovereignty, this broken story of mine is beautiful. I have to believe that it will be woven in amongst others’ stories in the tapestry of His bigger story. I’ve been overwhelmed by this concept recently. On Saturday night, I attended a church in Nashville that was celebrating its tenth anniversary. The six founding couples shared stories and testimonies of the Lord’s faithfulness over the last ten years. One woman referred to 1 John 5.6-12 and discussed the power of our testimonies. “Whoever believes in the Son of God has the testimony in himself…And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life…” (v.10-12) There is power in testifying to others about my story of life in the Son of God. Praise God that others’ stories have heavily impacted my story (exhibit A: click on “inspiration” or “mentor” on the right), and I can only hope that my own will be used to affect the stories of others. Hence, the necessity for vulnerability here.
At the memorial service, Dr. Green also referred to Hebrews 12.1. Though the “great cloud of witnesses” may seem romantic and picturesque, I would rather picture my dad sitting on the couch at home reading the paper and watching ESPN. But I have to believe that he is in that group alongside other great heroes of faith, surrounding us and spurring us on with their stories that are being told and retold, as we are “looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.” That’s my only hope—to fix my eyes on Him and to trust Him with my feeble, broken faith. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me just as I am.
3.05.2008
fear.
i had the opportunity on monday night to lead the devotion at our chapter meeting. (maybe you can find it on youtube if you're really interested. ha! thank you, roommate.) i really miss serving in that role each week. i pray that somewhere in my future God will let me share and teach His Word like that on a normal basis.
my thoughts monday night were mostly about what we fear in this life and what it is to trust God in and through those fears. maybe a little easier said than done sometimes?
last night a freshman girl was killed here in auburn. (more info at http://ocm.auburn.edu/news/alerts.html). needless to say, that has been the topic of every conversation in auburn today, and the story has even spread to news stations across the country. while it's necessary to be aware and cautious, many have instead become nervous and fearful. surely there's a balance.
it's interesting how easily we can be swayed by the spirit of fear. we fear being alone. we fear loss and death. we fear being left out. we fear change. we fear the uncertain and the unknown. (maybe "we" should be "i"?!)
how good are paul's words in 2 timothy 1.7-8?
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. Therefore, do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord..."
what if we truly lived in the spirit that has been given to us rather than the spirit that has so easily enticed and deceived us?
"even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (psalm 23.4).
thank you, david, for using the preposition "through"! the scary, evil things of this world are not the end. how beautiful that merely the Shepherd's presence was reason enough not to fear--oh to know that comfort and intimacy with the Good Shepherd's presence!
there is much fear in this world, and even in my life. fear grips me if i think too far into the future, especially in terms of experiencing life without my dad. i get anxious thinking about my brother getting married and my family having a new addition. graduation and future plans are exciting but nerve-wracking at the same time.
i have to believe and praise God that He is love, and that "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (1 john 4.18).
my thoughts monday night were mostly about what we fear in this life and what it is to trust God in and through those fears. maybe a little easier said than done sometimes?
last night a freshman girl was killed here in auburn. (more info at http://ocm.auburn.edu/news/alerts.html). needless to say, that has been the topic of every conversation in auburn today, and the story has even spread to news stations across the country. while it's necessary to be aware and cautious, many have instead become nervous and fearful. surely there's a balance.
it's interesting how easily we can be swayed by the spirit of fear. we fear being alone. we fear loss and death. we fear being left out. we fear change. we fear the uncertain and the unknown. (maybe "we" should be "i"?!)
how good are paul's words in 2 timothy 1.7-8?
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. Therefore, do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord..."
what if we truly lived in the spirit that has been given to us rather than the spirit that has so easily enticed and deceived us?
"even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (psalm 23.4).
thank you, david, for using the preposition "through"! the scary, evil things of this world are not the end. how beautiful that merely the Shepherd's presence was reason enough not to fear--oh to know that comfort and intimacy with the Good Shepherd's presence!
there is much fear in this world, and even in my life. fear grips me if i think too far into the future, especially in terms of experiencing life without my dad. i get anxious thinking about my brother getting married and my family having a new addition. graduation and future plans are exciting but nerve-wracking at the same time.
i have to believe and praise God that He is love, and that "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (1 john 4.18).
3.01.2008
change.
HUGE news: my oldest brother, luke, proposed last night. he and teri are ENGAGED! in other words, in a matter of months, they'll be MARRIED! unbelievable. i'm incredibly excited for them.
honestly, i think it's almost bizarre that last march 1st was my dad's funeral, a celebration of the gospel in and through his life, and this march 1st, my family is celebrating my brother's proposal of marriage, also a beautiful picture of the gospel.
it would be easy to freak out over such back-to-back, dramatic, permanent, life-altering changes in my family, but if i've learned anything over this last year, it has been that life changes, sometimes without warning, so instead of fighting it, you have to learn to embrace it.
i googled "quotes on change" and wanted to share some of my favorites:
"it is not necessary to change. survival is not mandatory." -w. edwards deming
"smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." -african proverb
"change is inevitable--except from a vending machine." -robert c. gallagher
interesting, huh?
so then, i looked up "change" in my concordance:
"for i the Lord do not change; therefore you, o children of jacob, are not consumed." -malachi 3.6
"every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." -james 1.17
He has been faithful in our grief, and He will be faithful in our celebration of new beginnings. praise God that in a world of uncertainty, He alone is constant.
honestly, i think it's almost bizarre that last march 1st was my dad's funeral, a celebration of the gospel in and through his life, and this march 1st, my family is celebrating my brother's proposal of marriage, also a beautiful picture of the gospel.
it would be easy to freak out over such back-to-back, dramatic, permanent, life-altering changes in my family, but if i've learned anything over this last year, it has been that life changes, sometimes without warning, so instead of fighting it, you have to learn to embrace it.
i googled "quotes on change" and wanted to share some of my favorites:
"it is not necessary to change. survival is not mandatory." -w. edwards deming
"smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." -african proverb
"change is inevitable--except from a vending machine." -robert c. gallagher
interesting, huh?
so then, i looked up "change" in my concordance:
"for i the Lord do not change; therefore you, o children of jacob, are not consumed." -malachi 3.6
"every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." -james 1.17
He has been faithful in our grief, and He will be faithful in our celebration of new beginnings. praise God that in a world of uncertainty, He alone is constant.
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