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2.26.2009

maybe too honest.

my heart has been so heavy this week. i can't shake the feeling that i could lose it at any second. tomorrow it will be two years since dad died. what?! that's so weird to even type. the anticipation is always worse than the actual day, so i feel like i've been pretty checked out of life this week, but tomorrow will probably come and go and just be another day.

it's easy to feel alone, misunderstood, unknown, crazy....but the truth is, i have an abnormal amount of people in my life that genuinely care about me. so many people have been checking on me, asking how i'm doing or if they can do anything. unfortunately, i hate those questions because i absolutely have no idea how to answer them. i honestly cannot think of a good way to answer the "how are you doing?" question. i had a rough day on sunday and last night a friend asked me if i was doing better. i mean, thanks, but better?! what does that even mean? and the "can i do anything?" question is much appreciated but also a tough one. can you change the situation? no. can you take the pain away? no. everything else just feels like bandaids on a gaping wound or like we're treating the symptoms and not doing anything about the actual problem. 

okay maybe that was dramatic. honestly, i really am so thankful for those questions even though i hate them. it just shows that someone cares and wants to help. i wish someone could say something or do something to make it go away. i just desperately wish that someone could fix it, so then i get frustrated when they can't. not fair, i know.

thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for asking. thanks for being gracious when i'm unfair.

2.18.2009

personal mission statement.

one of the assignments in my "leadership for ministry" class is to write a personal mission statement. yikes. i just wrapped mine up and thought i'd share:

"I will never give up this wrestling match that some call “faith.” I will love God and try to understand His love for me so that I can in turn love and value those with whom I interact, engaging in intentional conversations, talking less and listening more. I will be the best daughter and sister that I can be, and hopefully one day will be a wife and mom that points her family to the Lord. I will be a good steward of what I have learned and experienced in life, and will continually seek out experiences that will challenge and stretch me. I must expose myself to other cultures and be involved in Kingdom work that is pushing back darkness and ushering in light.  I will be a woman of integrity, pursuing excellence in every area of my life and enjoying the gift of being alive. "

if you haven't ever done anything like this, i recommend it. it definitely forced me to examine my priorities and passions and to decide what I truly value in life. like braner drilled into our heads at k-colorado, "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." 

2.17.2009

lover.

"lover" by derek webb has always been a favorite, but it's on repeat in my head today. it's written as god speaking to us. the last 2 verses are especially powerful to me:

"go on and take my picture,
go on and make me up.
oh, i'll still be your defender,
and you'll be my missing son.
and i'll send out an army
just to bring you back to me.
'cause regardless of your brother's lies,
oh, you will be set free.

because i am my beloved's
and my beloved's mine.
so, you bring all your history,
and i'll bring the bread and wine.
then we'll have us a party
where all the drinks are on me.
and as surely as the rising sun,
oh, you will be set free."

i think i can relate to that prodigal son. praise god that he doesn't leave me stranded in my craziness, but comes running after me to bring me back. why? because i am his and he is mine. what?! i don't understand why, but i think he loves this unfair trade. i bring him my history and my craziness, he throws me a party. i think isaiah phrases it a little better in isaiah 61.3. god wants to give "a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit..." beautiful, huh?

as i celebrate my birthday today, i can't help but feel unbelievably and undeservedly loved. i don't think i'll ever understand "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ...this love that surpasses knowledge" (ephesians 3.18-19). 

2.16.2009

mercy.

in my covenant group at truett we’ve been talking about the jesus prayer for the last few weeks. “jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner.”

i’ve been thinking a lot about the word “mercy.”

when i think of “mercy” i think of a bully twisting a kid’s arm until the kid screams, “mercy!” maybe i’m crazy, but sometimes i feel like life is like that. on the hard days, when i feel like i can’t take it anymore, i want to just scream for mercy. but i can’t take that analogy too far, because who does that mean is twisting my arm? god? surely not, right?

i want to believe that “the lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (psalm 103.8).

but in exodus 33.19 he says to moses, “i will be gracious to whom i will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom i will show mercy.” yikes. what do we even do with that? pick me, pick me!

of course, who am i to question? he’s god, so he can do what he wants. and the essence of mercy is that it is undeserved, right? so who am i to think that i even deserve it? and perhaps he’s given it but i don’t recognize it or know how to receive it.

at the end of the day, maybe it doesn’t matter what i feel or what i think. perhaps the bottom-line is that i have to believe that he is good, no matter what. in my mind, that means i have to sweep everything else under the rug and pretend like everything’s okay. but maybe it’s not like that. i think the confession of his goodness has to happen when everything’s a mess, not when it’s tied up with a pretty bow.

“for the lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations” (psalm 100.5).

2.09.2009

how marvelous.

the next big idea conference is going on at truett this week. in one of the worship sessions this morning we sang the hymn "how marvelous." in all my years of singing hymns in church, i had never heard the second verse to this hymn:

"for me it was in the garden
he prayed: 'not my will, but thine.'
he had no tears for his own griefs,
but sweat-drops of blood for mine."

then, of course, the chorus:

"how marvelous! how wonderful!
and my song shall ever be:
how marvelous! how wonderful
is my savior's love for me!"

i had full intentions of writing out some thoughts from these words, but i feel like anything i say would take away from them...and they kinda leave me speechless anyway. just wanted to share. 

2.01.2009

hey february.

when i turned my alarm off this morning and looked at the date on my phone, i literally started telling myself, "don't freak out. don't freak out. don't freak out." maybe i sound crazy, but in all honesty, the fact that it's february again just kinda scares me and overwhelms me. i hadn't thought much about it coming up, so this morning i was surprised by how much it bothered me. and maybe by "bothered" i mean, "physically hurt." i know that sounds incredibly dramatic, but sometimes the pain isn't just an emotion or a feeling; it can be physically felt. i don't really understand it. 

i feel like yesterday was february of 2008, when i started this blog because i was freaking out about the one-year anniversary. and let's be honest, february of 2007 really only feels like a few months ago, so i don't really know how to handle the fact that the two-year mark is quickly approaching.

to some, all these numbers and dates probably seem trivial, but they're pretty significant to me. the last two years have been such a journey on so many levels. you can probably expect a few posts about it in the next month.