a thrill of hope.

i realized sitting in the christmas eve service tonight that i've been dealing with christmas this year like i deal with cold weather: i don't love cold weather, but there's nothing i can really do about it, so i just have to bundle up and hope i get inside again before it makes me too miserable. this is exactly how i've been getting through this christmas season. i haven't been shocked by it (1st year), or angered by it (2nd year), but maybe just bothered by it... and since there's not much i can do about it, i've simply braced myself and hoped to survive.

but i recognized tonight that in bracing myself for the season of christmas i've missed out on the message of christmas. (read "message" as "reason", though i couldn't bring myself to use the word "reason" due to the countless times i've rolled my eyes at "jesus is the reason for the season" church marquees.) this year, rather than my mind being captivated by the story and my heart being engaged in worship, i've done my best to keep it all at an arms-length so as not to get emotionally involved.

however, it's hard to keep emmanuel at an arms-length. emmanuel. god with us. surely that is the "good news of a great joy that will be for all the people" that the angels were talking about. it is good news to me that "the word became flesh and dwelt among us" (john 1.14). it is good news to me that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses" (hebrews 4.15). i find a great joy in this emmanuel, this savior that would come to see and feel and hear and hurt and weep and laugh and struggle and ache and love.

so tonight, as i squeezed like a sardine onto a church pew packed with me and about 20 of my relatives, i felt my weary heart rejoicing--thankful for a family i couldn't love more, thankful for the opportunity to worship, and thankful for emmanuel.

a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

fall on your knees.

oh hear the angel voices.

oh night divine.

oh night when christ was born.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...?

i'm not sure where december came from, because i absolutely still feel like it should be october. regardless, december is here, and everyone around me seems to be bubbling with christmas spirit. i literally feel like i've had to force myself to muster up some christmas cheer. i've been drinking hot cider and hot cocoa, eating little debbie christmas tree cakes, listening to christmas music every now and then...we even went to the christmas tree lighting and went ice skating...

...and all of this has been a lot of fun, but i just feel like i've been missing something.

at church on sunday, i was reminded of the beauty and wonder of advent. the worship leader emphasized the significance of advent hymns, in contrast to christmas carols. we sang songs that specifically focused on the sense of expectation and hope felt during the advent season.

i recently saw this tweet from j.r. vassar: "the first advent brought relief from our sins. the second advent will bring relief from our sufferings. come, lord jesus."

wow. do i live in expectation of that? do i work towards making that coming kingdom a reality today? do i recognize this coming jesus as the one in luke 4.18-19, the one proclaiming good news to the poor, liberty to the captives and to the oppressed?

this advent hymn has been in my head since sunday. i hope the words challenge you like they have me:

come thou long-expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thy own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all-sufficient merit

raise us to thy glorious throne.

so maybe you're one of those that can't contain your christmas cheer... or maybe you're like me--just drinking a peppermint mocha and tuning into the 24/7 christmas music radio station every now and then... but either way, i pray we understand the hope and expectation of the advent season. come, lord jesus.

What's Your God Issue?

heavy heart for addis.

recently, my heart has been heavy for ethiopia all over again.

my brother just got back from a trip to ethiopia with buckner international. the lord is using buckner to do some incredible things in that country. it's absolutely beautiful. please check out his blog for more pictures and stories.

i was at a convention earlier this week for texas baptists. while working the booth for truett seminary, i noticed a mom walking by pushing a stroller that held the cutest girl i've ever seen. i was instantly drawn to the little one. she was stunning for a 17-month-old. while tickling her feet and trying to make her laugh, i couldn't help but think she looked ethiopian. even more crazy, i couldn't help but think she looked familiar. long story short: sweet little maya was in buckner's baby home in ethiopia when i was there in august!! she just got adopted in september. i remember the caretakers telling us that her new parents were coming just a few short weeks after we left. isn't that incredible?! a little girl that stole my heart in addis ababa, ethiopia, captured it again in houston, texas. i also met a man that is in the process of adopting a little boy i saw in the baby home. here's a picture of the two little ones playing together in august:

the little boy in the middle is the one being adopted, and sweet maya's on the right. i wish you could see her face. isn't it crazy to think that those 2 little ethiopians are now texans?! i love it. adoption is such a beautiful thing--not because it's trendy and cool and philanthropic, but because it's such an incredible picture of our relationship with god. also, as believers, i think we should almost see it as a duty or a responsibility. there's really no excuse for us to allow there to be 143 million orphans in the world.

pray for ethiopia. and pray for more families to feel the call to adopt.

prayer.

i was asked to give the benediction at truett's chapel service this week. i'm not one to be easily intimidated, but for someone who doesn't really understand prayer, the idea of praying in front of fellow students and renowned ph.D.s made me a little nervous. i thought about using a liturgical prayer, but i just wasn't comfortable with that. i wanted to sound scholarly and eloquent, but i couldn't get christ's words in matthew 6.5 out of my mind.

all of that to say, i decided to write my own prayer. it's certainly nothing profound, but it's definitely honest and pertains to questions i wrestle with daily. just thought i'd share it with you.

pray with me.

god, we want to know what it means to love you today, and we recognize that part of loving you is obeying you. so thank you that your commandments are not burdensome, but life-giving, as they force us to depend on you.

god, we want to know what it means to know you today, because we recognize that all else pales in comparison to the surpassing worth of knowing you as lord. so may we count all else as loss in order that we may be found in you.

so give us strength today to love you, even when we're not sure we trust you, and to know you, even when we may not feel you.

and now may your peace, which is far beyond anything we can understand or comprehend, guard our hearts and our minds in you today.

amen.

questions.

i found this quote on my professor's blog (dr. michael stroope) and can't stop thinking about it. let me know what you think.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart...

Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms

and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,

live along some distant day into the answer."

--Ranier Maria Rilke

if i ever write a book, i think this quote will be on the first page.

hymns.

tonight a couple of friends and i attended the waco community hymn sing. we didn't have to go for school, we weren't being forced to go by parents...we just really wanted to go. i know that might seem abnormal for a group of 20-somethings, but if you know me, you know i like hymns--a whole lot. we sang some oldie-goldies like "when the roll is called up yonder" and "i'll fly away," but we also sang some favorites like "come thou fount" and "in christ alone." that last one is never easy for me.

it probably goes without saying that we were the youngest ones there by about 40 years. i loved it. it's been a while since i've worshipped alongside wrinkly hands, white hair, and walking canes. as i looked around, my heart was so encouraged. sometimes all this faith stuff can be so confusing. sometimes i think it might just be easier to throw in the towel. but then i look at the beautiful people i was surrounded by tonight and realize they've been doing this faith thing for longer than i've been alive, and who knows what all they've seen during their 60, 70, 80+ years on this earth. what an incredible testimony of the lord's faithfulness.

proverbs 16.31: "gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life."

psalm 145.4: "one generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts."

oh how i long to be singing of the lord's faithfulness when i have weekly appointments at the beauty shop and my husband has hairy ears--and that it might possibly encourage some crazy young girl to keep pressing on in the lord. 

conversations.

i just got back from a weekend in alabama with some of my closest friends in the world. it was so fun to pick up right where we left off, eating at some of our favorite places, cheering on our auburn tigers, and just enjoying being with each other.

through the course of the weekend, i had a few really thought-provoking conversations. i'm not sure how to make them all relate,  so how about i just make a list? 

1. justin hefner. this boy grew up in lubbock, lived the dream in austin, then fell in love with my best friend and up and moved to birmingham to be with her. he's absolutely experiencing the culture shock that comes with moving from texas to the southeast (exhibit a: me in 2004). it was fun to talk about texas with him and to make fun of him for living in birmingham, but it was more fun to talk about the reason why he's living in birmingham. it blows my mind that a boy would love a girl so much that he would give up everything he loves and everything that makes sense, and step into her world to show her that he values her. wow. maybe i'm making too big of a deal out of this, and i hate to over-spiritualize things, but is that not a picture of christ? pretty cool.

2. katy crane. this girl just spent 6 months traveling the world with ywam. now she's back in birmingham going to ot school at uab. she's a different person--she's the same katy crane that i grew to love, but with a different perspective on life. it was so cool just to be around her and see and hear about how she approaches life in a new way. it was fun to see her bedroom covered in pictures of children's faces from literally all around the world. beautiful.

3. rachel wilson. this girl spent her friday night with people from her church serving dinner to homeless people in downtown birmingham. she talked about how she had always viewed the homeless as untouchables, but friday night completely changed her perspective. she met a homeless man that loved the lord and knew scripture backwards and forwards. it blew her mind. he told her about how he ended up homeless--not because he's lazy and helpless, but just because of a certain course of events. it's so fun to see people be exposed to people that are nothing like them--it HAS to change them. it's so fun when people see the bigger picture of the church and catch the passion and desire to be a part of it. 

4. benji and michael. these are the guys i sat next to on my flight back to texas. they grew up together in a small town in texas. michael is a little slow mentally, and growing up, benji's family was always a safe place for him. michael loves college football, so every year benji takes him to a different college football game. this time they went to see the vols play in neyland stadium. when benji found out i was in seminary, he very point blank asked me what i thought about the church in america. as a believer and an attender of a mega-church in dallas, he had a lot of thoughts to share on this topic and was eager to hear what those of us that study this topic have to say about it. the more we talked the more i realized that benji got it much more than i did. i could talk about statistics i've learned and issues i've observed, but he wanted to talk about matters of the heart. why doesn't the church spend more of its resources on others than on staff salaries? why can't we figure out a way to give all of the tithe money away? why is the church more focused on buildings than community? wow. i didn't know how to answer these questions, because they are questions i'm asking as well. in the end i realized that benji's life--the way he loves the lord and the way he loves michael--is more of a picture of jesus and the kingdom of God than some church buildings i've been to. 

5. bernie moraga. this man works for the cooperative baptist fellowship (cbf). he's in town for something going on at truett, so he and my roommate's dad took my roommate and me to dinner last night. we sat across from each other and had a great time making fun of his english and my spanish. during the meal, he asked me the token question: what do you want to do after you graduate from seminary? of course i tried to dodge the question at first, but then i just started dreaming out loud, sharing with him all the crazy ideas i've had about my future. when i finished rambling, he looked at me very seriously and told me he thought i should get into public relations. i laughed and told him it was too late for that. then, still serious, he told me he meant public relations for the kingdom. i had a hard time not laughing again, because the idea sounds pretty cheesy, but once he started explaining it, i wanted to jump on board. he talked about how the kingdom has too many people talking and not enough people doing. he said i had the option to be pepper and be overbearing, or to be salt and be seasoning; the choice to blend into the darkness, or to be a light. wow. pretty convicting, huh?

sorry this post is long, but i can't get these five conversations out of my mind, and i wanted to share them with you. i hope they challenge and convict you as much as they do me. i hope people can see jesus when they interact with me in the same way i have seen jesus by interacting with these people.

faith.

d.l. moody:

"i prayed for faith and thought that some day it would come down and strike me like lightning. but faith didn't seem to come. one day i read in romans that 'faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of god.' i had up to this time, closed my bible and prayed for faith. now i opened my bible and began to study and faith has been growing ever since." 

still overwhelmed.

in the last few days that i've been home, faces and events from my summer have been on constant replay in my mind. i feel like i can't really explain my experiences at kaa and in ethiopia, which doesn't help the fact that i feel like no one can really understand them. 

at kaa, for three whole months, i lived with, worked alongside of, ministered to, and became good friends with people of completely different lifestyles and backgrounds than my own. i worked hard and sweat a lot, learning what servanthood and humility really look like. i was surrounded by people that weren't the most theologically educated, but they certainly knew how to love jesus and how to serve him--and how many people that are theologically educated only talk about those things? for three months, i lived in a world where all that mattered was loving god and serving him. my main responsibilities were to love god and to love my girls, to serve the kampers and counselors and to work with an incredible leadership team. pretty good job description, eh?

then i went to ethiopia, where for a solid week i surrounded myself with people who also love god. these people were truly trying to figure out the meaning of james 1.27. my eyes literally saw some unbelievable things--beautiful faces, rich culture, extreme poverty. my ears heard the laughter of children, the cries of babies, and the conversations of american couples desiring to glorify god with what he has given them--seeking to be not merely donors, but rather stewards. i was so convicted to evaluate my own life--my resources, my gifts, my education, my time, my life experiences--and to figure out how to really be a good steward of who i am and what i've been given. it takes me back to romans 11.36. 

all summer i felt such a sense of purpose, such an ability to see clearly how god was working and how i could be a part of it. now, i feel so helpless and so disconnected from what i saw this summer. comparatively, i feel like my life now lacks direction and purpose, and i'm not really sure where to go from here. i want my life to have meaning. i want it to count for something...but what does that really look like? 

ethiopia.

so literally 24 hours after i left kamp, i was at dfw hopping on a plane to ethiopia. my life is not real. i was in ethiopia with buckner international august 7th-15th and now i'm home until school starts back up on the 24th.

coming off such an intense summer, i'm just really overwhelmed. physically, i'm exhausted. emotionally, i feel like my heart has been pulled in a million different directions in the last 3 months, and i'm not sure where that leaves me now. spiritually, i think i've known the lord in a new way this summer. i've tasted and seen his goodness, but i'm scared i'll soon find myself where i was before this summer began. 

ethiopia was unbelievable. i've dreamed of going to africa, and i've dreamed of traveling with some of those friends, so i knew it would be a phenomenal trip, but it even surpassed my expectations. the ethiopian people are easily the most beautiful i've ever seen. it's hard to think of any other word to describe the trip but OVERWHELMING. i was amazed to see the ways god is working in that country. i was inspired by the faith and hope and love of the believers there. 

hopefully, i'll have more thoughts for you later, but so far i haven't gotten much further than this. sara groves sums up a lot of my thoughts/feelings in her song, "i saw what i saw." download it.

running through the tape.

i wrote my last post on one of my first 24s of the summer and here i am writing this post on my very last 24. crazy. i really can't believe i'm so close to the end of my time here at kaa. i really have grown to love this place. i love the people, i love the atmosphere, i love the music, i love the conversations, i love the attire, i love having a lake in my backyard, i love feeling exhausted at the end of every day. and to be honest, all summer the thought of leaving this place has created somewhat of a haunting fear in me. i know that sounds bizarre and maybe even dramatic, but i'm being completely serious. it has been such an incredible summer, such a unique experience--not like a super spiritual, emotional, "mountain-top" experience, but just a very humbling, challenging, stretching experience. 

i'm scared to face the reality that i may never be back. i'm scared that when i leave and go back to normal life, i won't sense purpose and meaning in everyday life like i do here. i'm scared to be around people that act like they have it all together instead of the people here that are so open and honest about where they've come from and where they are now. i'm scared i'll go back to going lengthy amounts of time without thinking about the lord or recognizing my need for him. i'm scared i'll return to thoughts and feelings of spiritual apathy and irrelevance. and again, it's not like everything has clicked here and everything makes complete sense now, but i do feel less like a crazy and my relationship with god does seem a little more real and more purposeful.

so pray for me as i strive to make the most of my last week at kamp. pray that i won't throw in the towel and check out early but that i'll finish strong, run through the tape, and maximize my time, taking advantage of every opportunity with my girls. and maybe most importantly, pray for me as i prepare to leave on august 6th. 

kaa. u know.

sitting in the panera in good ol' branson, missouri. praise god for free wifi.

so i'm spending my summer at kids across america, serving as dhdl, dining hall discipleship leader--essentially, i run the kitchen but don't cook the food. the girls under me are called "komos," and we're in charge of all the cleaning and serving, but the cooks actually cook the food. let's just say we spend 12ish hours in the kitchen every day--about 4 hours each meal. we have 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners each day, serving about 500 people 3 times a day. needless to say, it's an absolutely exhausting job, but definitely rewarding. the kampers are inner-city kids from all over the country, and they come for 8 day sessions. session 2 wraps up tomorrow and session 3 starts on the 17th. crazy. also, 3 kamper sessions equal 1 staff term, so my komos change every term. this first term has gone by so quickly!

i feel like for the last two years i really haven't had to think outside of me and my family. i mean, in grief it's understandable, but going into this summer i think i was just really ready to focus on someone else besides myself. also, after being so wrapped up in the seminary world, i think i was just craving an opportunity to do hands-on ministry rather than just learning about it in a classroom. all of that to say, this position has fulfilled both of those desires....and it is REALLY stretching me. it is draining on every level--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. however, i think it's a good place for me to be, because i'm realizing how little i have to offer on my own, and when i'm running on empty i have no choice but to turn to the Lord. it's been interesting, and i feel like after a whole summer of it, i might come out of it a different person. i guess one of my biggest fears is that it'll just turn into a job and at the end of the summer i'll look up and won't have taken advantage of my time here.

i've been hanging out in the psalms a lot recently, so i'll leave you with a few verses from psalm 73 that i can't get out of my head.

psalm 73.25-26,28: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. but for me it is good to be near god; i have made the lord god my refuge, that i may tell of all your works." 

and finally, go download one of my new favorite songs: "bless the lord (son of man)" by tye tribbett & g.a.

understanding.

in my class on early church fathers, we recently had to read anselm's proslogium. it is essentially a discourse on proving the existence of God, whom anselm defines as "a being than which nothing greater can be conceived." this work was originally titled "faith seeking understanding," so needless to say, i was intrigued from the start.

i wanted to share these thoughts from chapter I:

"I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand. For this also I believe--that unless I believed, I should not understand." 

unfortunately, i think i have this backwards most of the time. i seek understanding as a prerequisite to belief, but according to anselm, without belief, there will not be understanding.

i was convicted by this c.s. lewis quote on my brother's blog:

"If Christianity were something we were making up, of course we could make it easier. But it is not. We cannot compete in simplicity with people who are inventing religions. How could we? We are dealing with fact. Of course anyone can be simple if he has no facts to bother about."

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that i will always have unanswered questions and will never simply understand this faith. perhaps satisfaction comes in the seeking, in the wrestling, in the hungering and thirsting.

matthew 5.6-- "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

thoughts about God.

"That our idea of God corresponds as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God. A right conception of God is basic not only to systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well. It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse. I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignorable thoughts about God."

--a.w. tozer, cited in renovation of the heart, by dallas willard

i'm pretty sure that my idea of God is way off sometimes. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, my actual thoughts about God are probably not even close to being in line with His actual character. and without a doubt, the way i live is in direct relation to my concept of who God is. 

for example, in chapel this week, the speaker asked: do you really know that God loves you? what if you lived like you really believed that?

i've been thinking about those questions all week. i want to know the truth about God. i want to know Him. 

 

healing.

a friend shared this with me. interesting thoughts. i think it's by brennan manning. enjoy!

Healing is a response to a crisis of another person...

Healing becomes the opportunity to pass off to another human being what I have received from the Lord Jesus; namely His unconditional acceptance of me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am. 

When I have passed that same reality on to another human being, the result most often has been the inner healing of their heart through the touch of my affirmation. To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary...When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation.

Finally, brethren, Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Phil. 4:8

beautiful faces.

here's a video of pictures from mom's trip to ethiopia last week with some youth from our home church. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK6r2KvzW70&feature=channel_page

for more info, check out buckner international. 

justice and grace.

i've been thinking a lot recently about the tension between grace and justice. God claims to be a God of both and calls us to a life of both. it's all over scripture. 

in the old testament, the prophet micah writes, "he has told you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

do justice. love kindness/mercy/steadfast love.

in the new testament, jesus told the pharisees they had "neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness" (matthew 23.23). of the entire law, he gave the most weight to justice, mercy, and faithfulness. 

perhaps the most vivid illustration of this is the cross. The justice of God demanded a sacrifice. The grace and mercy of God offered Jesus. 

so what does this mean in real life situations that reek of injustice? looking at friends' pictures from rwanda and ethiopia is beautiful, but overwhelming. praise God for the opportunity to love on a handful of orphans, but what about the other 143 million? 

thinking about injustice doesn't just bother me, it makes me angry. i have to do something about it, but what does that even mean and how can i make a difference? but i feel like the only other option is to give up and do nothing...and that can't be the answer.

but then it becomes more personal. one man dies of cancer while another is miraculously cured. a terrible father and husband dies a peaceful death in his late 80s while a man who loves the Lord and loves his family suddenly dies in his early 50s. where does a God of grace and justice fit into these situations? and if we claim God did the healing, did he not also allow the dying? is that gracious or just?

yet again, i can either be angry at God and give up or be angry at the injustice and press on. i don't like that answer, but i don't feel like i have any other option. i have to believe that Jesus knows what injustice feels like and that God ultimately is merciful and just...but i don't think i'll ever understand it.

any thoughts? 

homesick.

i feel like my faith is cruising on autopilot right now. don't get me wrong, i'm still full of unanswered questions, but i think i'm just tired of wrestling and being the over-analytical skeptic. i'm also maybe a little tired of the fact that i feel like it always comes back to just choosing to have faith no matter what. i recognize the value of that, but it seems so disengaged, almost spiteful....like a kid obeying his parents, but doing so kicking and screaming. that can't be right. so instead of actively choosing and fighting, i feel like i'm just cruising right now, but at least i'm not just giving up, right? 

i finally finished philip yancey's book, disappointment with god. this paragraph is from one of the last chapters:

"The Bible never belittles human disappointment (remember the proportion in Job--one chapter of restoration follows forty-one chapters of anguish), but it does add one key word: temporary. What we feel now, we will not always feel. Our disappointment is itself a sign, an aching, a hunger for something better. And faith is, in the end, a kind of homesickness--for a home we have never visited but have never once stopped longing for."

i know faith is supposed to be simple, but it's so confusing to me. however, i think i can get this "homesickness" description of faith. i long for something i don't even understand. my heart hopes for something that i can't walk away from. 

"and lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight..."

round 3.

so as always, the anticipation last week was much worse than the actual day. it helped that i got to spend the weekend in alabama with some of my favorite people in the whole world. it was so good for my soul to be around people that really know me and love me. 

the whole two years thing really is so bizarre though. i know on the outside it sounds like a substantial amount of time, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. in the beginning, two years sounded so far away, but friday came...and went..and life just kept going. i don't know what else i expected, but it's weird to me that everything just keeps moving on. so where does that leave us now? like the first year, everything was so shocking and weird and different. the second year, i feel like we figured out how to make things work. so now that we're starting round 3, is it supposed to be normal life now? i mean, people talk about the "firsts," but who talks about the "thirds"? answer: nobody. but isn't it weird that all of the sudden it's supposed to be okay? 

i had the realization last week that i'm in this really bizarre middle ground between being scared to remember him and being scared to forget him. it's like i don't let myself think about him much because i don't want it to hurt and i don't want to miss him but i certainly don't want to get to the place where i don't remember him or don't miss him. does that make any sense? 

i was reading deuteronomy this week for my scriptures class and had forgotten how much i love that book. god continually reminds the israelites that the covenant between them is not based on their righteousness but on his divine grace. he continually reminds them of how he has constantly provided for them. it was such a good reminder for me that the same god that has been faithful to me in the past has been faithful to me in the last two years, is faithful to me today, and will continue to be faithful to me in the future. i have to believe that he is faithful even when i am faithless. 

maybe too honest.

my heart has been so heavy this week. i can't shake the feeling that i could lose it at any second. tomorrow it will be two years since dad died. what?! that's so weird to even type. the anticipation is always worse than the actual day, so i feel like i've been pretty checked out of life this week, but tomorrow will probably come and go and just be another day.

it's easy to feel alone, misunderstood, unknown, crazy....but the truth is, i have an abnormal amount of people in my life that genuinely care about me. so many people have been checking on me, asking how i'm doing or if they can do anything. unfortunately, i hate those questions because i absolutely have no idea how to answer them. i honestly cannot think of a good way to answer the "how are you doing?" question. i had a rough day on sunday and last night a friend asked me if i was doing better. i mean, thanks, but better?! what does that even mean? and the "can i do anything?" question is much appreciated but also a tough one. can you change the situation? no. can you take the pain away? no. everything else just feels like bandaids on a gaping wound or like we're treating the symptoms and not doing anything about the actual problem. 

okay maybe that was dramatic. honestly, i really am so thankful for those questions even though i hate them. it just shows that someone cares and wants to help. i wish someone could say something or do something to make it go away. i just desperately wish that someone could fix it, so then i get frustrated when they can't. not fair, i know.

thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for asking. thanks for being gracious when i'm unfair.

personal mission statement.

one of the assignments in my "leadership for ministry" class is to write a personal mission statement. yikes. i just wrapped mine up and thought i'd share:

"I will never give up this wrestling match that some call “faith.” I will love God and try to understand His love for me so that I can in turn love and value those with whom I interact, engaging in intentional conversations, talking less and listening more. I will be the best daughter and sister that I can be, and hopefully one day will be a wife and mom that points her family to the Lord. I will be a good steward of what I have learned and experienced in life, and will continually seek out experiences that will challenge and stretch me. I must expose myself to other cultures and be involved in Kingdom work that is pushing back darkness and ushering in light.  I will be a woman of integrity, pursuing excellence in every area of my life and enjoying the gift of being alive. "

if you haven't ever done anything like this, i recommend it. it definitely forced me to examine my priorities and passions and to decide what I truly value in life. like braner drilled into our heads at k-colorado, "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." 

lover.

"lover" by derek webb has always been a favorite, but it's on repeat in my head today. it's written as god speaking to us. the last 2 verses are especially powerful to me:

"go on and take my picture,

go on and make me up.

oh, i'll still be your defender,

and you'll be my missing son.

and i'll send out an army

just to bring you back to me.

'cause regardless of your brother's lies,

oh, you will be set free.

because i am my beloved's

and my beloved's mine.

so, you bring all your history,

and i'll bring the bread and wine.

then we'll have us a party

where all the drinks are on me.

and as surely as the rising sun,

oh, you will be set free."

i think i can relate to that prodigal son. praise god that he doesn't leave me stranded in my craziness, but comes running after me to bring me back. why? because i am his and he is mine. what?! i don't understand why, but i think he loves this unfair trade. i bring him my history and my craziness, he throws me a party. i think isaiah phrases it a little better in isaiah 61.3. god wants to give "a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit..." beautiful, huh?

as i celebrate my birthday today, i can't help but feel unbelievably and undeservedly loved. i don't think i'll ever understand "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ...this love that surpasses knowledge" (ephesians 3.18-19). 

mercy.

in my covenant group at truett we’ve been talking about the jesus prayer for the last few weeks. “jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner.”

i’ve been thinking a lot about the word “mercy.”

when i think of “mercy” i think of a bully twisting a kid’s arm until the kid screams, “mercy!” maybe i’m crazy, but sometimes i feel like life is like that. on the hard days, when i feel like i can’t take it anymore, i want to just scream for mercy. but i can’t take that analogy too far, because who does that mean is twisting my arm? god? surely not, right?

i want to believe that “the lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (psalm 103.8).

but in exodus 33.19 he says to moses, “i will be gracious to whom i will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom i will show mercy.” yikes. what do we even do with that? pick me, pick me!

of course, who am i to question? he’s god, so he can do what he wants. and the essence of mercy is that it is undeserved, right? so who am i to think that i even deserve it? and perhaps he’s given it but i don’t recognize it or know how to receive it.

at the end of the day, maybe it doesn’t matter what i feel or what i think. perhaps the bottom-line is that i have to believe that he is good, no matter what. in my mind, that means i have to sweep everything else under the rug and pretend like everything’s okay. but maybe it’s not like that. i think the confession of his goodness has to happen when everything’s a mess, not when it’s tied up with a pretty bow.

“for the lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations” (psalm 100.5).

how marvelous.

the next big idea conference is going on at truett this week. in one of the worship sessions this morning we sang the hymn "how marvelous." in all my years of singing hymns in church, i had never heard the second verse to this hymn:

"for me it was in the garden

he prayed: 'not my will, but thine.'

he had no tears for his own griefs,

but sweat-drops of blood for mine."

then, of course, the chorus:

"how marvelous! how wonderful!

and my song shall ever be:

how marvelous! how wonderful

is my savior's love for me!"

i had full intentions of writing out some thoughts from these words, but i feel like anything i say would take away from them...and they kinda leave me speechless anyway. just wanted to share. 

hey february.

when i turned my alarm off this morning and looked at the date on my phone, i literally started telling myself, "don't freak out. don't freak out. don't freak out." maybe i sound crazy, but in all honesty, the fact that it's february again just kinda scares me and overwhelms me. i hadn't thought much about it coming up, so this morning i was surprised by how much it bothered me. and maybe by "bothered" i mean, "physically hurt." i know that sounds incredibly dramatic, but sometimes the pain isn't just an emotion or a feeling; it can be physically felt. i don't really understand it. 

i feel like yesterday was february of 2008, when i started this blog because i was freaking out about the one-year anniversary. and let's be honest, february of 2007 really only feels like a few months ago, so i don't really know how to handle the fact that the two-year mark is quickly approaching.

to some, all these numbers and dates probably seem trivial, but they're pretty significant to me. the last two years have been such a journey on so many levels. you can probably expect a few posts about it in the next month.

knowing him.

seminary is a funny thing. i spend so much time studying interpretations of scripture and writings of early church fathers. i sit in my classes this semester and discuss scripture and theology and history and leadership. i love my my professors and i love what i'm learning, but at the end of the day, where does it leave me with God? sometimes i get overwhelmed with all the talking about God and just want to cry out with paul, "indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing christ jesus my lord" (philippians 3.8). everything i'm learning is worthless if in the end, i'm further away from knowing jesus. 

fortunately, most of my professors get this. my scriptures 1 prof is a crazy little asian lady that told us on the first day of class that she would kick our butts this semester. everyone knows she's the hardest teacher at the school. all of that to say, i was shocked on tuesday morning at the end of class when she told us that she wants us to learn and wants us to wrestle with scripture in a new way, but if her class does not lead us to a deeper understanding of the character of god, she believes she will have failed as our teacher. wow. i want to know him. i want to know his character. 

i'm still reading philip yancey's disappointment with god. in the chapter i read today, "why god doesn't explain," yancey talked about god's response at the end of the book of job. after all the craziness and all the debates between job and his friends, one would think god would offer some stellar explanation or clarification. nope. instead, he goes off about who he is and who job's not. frederick buechner says about god's speech: "god doesn't reveal his grand design. he reveals himself." interesting. 

i understand that, but i don't necessarily like it. it doesn't make the "why?" questions go away. but what am i wanting or expecting out of god? what possible explanation would satisfy me? yancey suggests this idea:

"knowledge is passive, intellectual; suffering is active, personal. no intellectual answer will solve suffering. perhaps this is why god sent his own son as one response to human pain, to experience it and absorb it into himself. the incarnation did not 'solve' human suffering, but at least it was an active and personal response."

fascinating, huh? as much as i question everything, and as much as i would love some concrete answers, i'm thankful that god sent a personal answer rather than an intellectual one. so maybe instead of asking him for explanations i should be asking him what it looks like to know him and understand his character...because i have to believe that everything else is worthless in comparison.

leadership.

i'm taking a class this semester called leadership in ministry. yesterday was our first day of class, and i'm already excited about it.

here's a quote from my professor, dr. levi price: "i don't care what you do with your life or what type of ministry you're involved in, but if you are not a good leader, you will not do well."

i know that seems pretty basic and simple, but i haven't been able to get it out of my mind. i hope it makes you think and challenges you like it has me. 

day by day.

i have to confess that a new year brings with it a lot of excitement and expectation, but maybe also a little fear? it can be a little overwhelming if you ask me. however, my mom has me stuck on this idea of living life day by day. i can't think about living 2009, i have to think about living today, january 10th.

right after dad died, i was living breath to breath, then i could go minute to minute, then hour to hour, then maybe a few hours at a time. after a while, i would try to take a day at a time, a few days at a time, a week at a time...etc. now, as the two-year mark is quickly approaching, i feel like i should be able to conquer another year, but let's be honest, it really scares me.

but here's my question: why do i think it's a sign of strength to be able to live year to year, or even month to month? is that type of living anywhere in the bible? i could be wrong, but i'm going to suggest that it's not. maybe it's quite the opposite, actually. i think we're created to live one day at a time.

look at the israelites in exodus 16. the Lord rained down bread from heaven for his people to eat. he commanded them to "go out and gather a day's portion every day" (v.4). isn't it interesting that he didn't give them massive amounts of bread to store up and ration out on their own? this way, the people were required to trust his provision every single morning. and did he fail? absolutely not. "morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat" (v.21). he wasn't just giving them enough to get by. they were able to eat their fill.

so is it any coincidence that when Jesus taught on prayer, he prayed, "give us this day our daily bread" (matthew 6.11)? or that a little later in that sermon, he said "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (6.34)?

as i face 2009, i want to learn how to live day by day. i want to know what it is to daily trust God in my grief, in my family, in my relationships, in my schoolwork. do i really believe that he will always provide?