those last few days in auburn were pretty intense. as if graduating and leaving friends wasn't hard enough, dad's absence was more painful than it has been in a while. and leaving auburn was more than just saying bye to college buds--these people have walked with me in the lowest point of my life. there's such a fear of losing them and facing new people that don't know my story.
i went to panama city beach for a few days with some friends. standing on the shoreline and looking out over the ocean never fails to make feel unbelievably small in comparison to how big my God is. it astounds me to see all of creation revealing the characteristics of God--like Paul says in romans 1.20.
i was mesmerized by the waves. they are so constant. they reminded me of God's faithfulness--how consistent and unchanging He is. the waves will never NOT crash onto the shore. that's the nature of waves, right? so no matter what i feel or think, God will never NOT be faithful, it's His nature. the waves also reminded me of the ebb and flow of life--sometimes calm, sometimes crashing, but always moving. there's somewhat of a comfort from the fact that life keeps going. sometimes i want to throw the brakes on and camp out here for a while, but life doesn't work like that...and as much as i can hate that fact, i think it's actually a good thing. in james 1 and ephesians 4, waves are used to illustrate those who doubt. ouch. i get really frustrated by this because in my pride, i don't want to be like a wave tossed by the wind. i want to be the one who gets it.
like in the story about the two guys building houses--one on solid rock and one on shifting sand. i've realized, if i'm honest, that my mentality is to be the rock. i want to be the perfect, unchanging one in the midst of a storm. clearly there's a problem--i'm human. i'm not the rock, i'm supposed to set my life on the rock of Jesus. i was thinking about this as i was walking along the beach and that old caedmon's call song was playing in my head--"my faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. my faith is like shifting sand, so i stand on grace." in my efforts to be the rock, i've failed to recognize the invitation of grace.
so in these days when i feel like every single aspect of my life has been shaken by change, i'm learning my efforts of self-sufficiency are futile. i must learn to stand on the rock of grace found only in Jesus. but even as i write that, it just sounds like pretty words that are impossible to practically live out--but i'm trying. or maybe in a sense, i'm giving up.
