reminder in the sky.

after a weekend in arkansas, we were welcomed home last night in typical oklahoma fashion... with severe thunderstorms. hooray! thankfully, we were able to take alternate routes on our drive so that we missed the worst parts of the storms. we finally pulled up to our apartment and were doing the "we made it" full body stretch that just instinctively happens after you've been in the car forever, when we looked up and saw a stellar rainbow peeking through the clouds.

maybe God knew i needed a little reminder of his faithfulness yesterday. it was my seventh father's day without dad, which is almost impossible to believe. it was easier than most since i was just on the road all day with my best friend, but it's just not a fun day -- and on those not fun days, it's easy to confuse emotions with truth, for "the heart is deceitful above all things" (jeremiah 17.9). so again, i was extra thankful last night for that little miracle in the sky reminding me that God keeps his promises and does not forget his people. he loves us and is with us.

he is faithful, he is glorious and
he is jesus and all my hope is in him.
he is freedom, he is healing right now,
he is hope and joy and love and peace and life.
-- bryan & katie torwalt

lose/lose situation.

last week was jam-packed... attending christmas parties, throwing christmas parties, finding those last few christmas gifts, cleaning for then hosting the in-laws, loving on our friends taking finals and our friends having a baby... all on top of just normal life stuff. and for whatever reason, i just felt kind of heavy all week. it wasn't a bad week at all, it was actually full of fun things, but my heart was just heavy.

somewhere in the week (maybe tuesday?) i found myself procrastinating and playing on the internet... clicking from link to link, blog to blog... and somehow i ended up on this girl's blog {i mean, we're talking like a friend of a friend of a friend kind of situation}. she and her husband lost their one-year-old son completely unexpectedly a few months ago. while grieving a dad and grieving a son are two very different things, her writing was all too familiar. i remember having such similar thoughts and feelings a few years ago. don't get me wrong, i still grieve, but it's more of an every now and then thing than the every minute thing she's still walking in.

now, you're going to think i'm crazy, but as i read her writing, something in me missed that pain -- that it-hurts-so-bad-i-feel-like-i-can't-breathe pain. weird, i know, but i think what i mean is that i miss how fresh it all was, because sometimes now it seems so distant. just in case you don't believe me, here's an example -- again, from last week (i told you it was quite a week). thursday would have been my parents' 32nd anniversary. now, this is the sixth december 13th we've had since dad died, and the previous five weren't easy. it's just always been one of those dates that threw in my face the fact that my dad was gone, my parents' marriage was over, my family was no longer the picture-perfect little family that i naively used to think we were, and that my mom was experiencing more pain than i could ever imagine. so what about this year? december 13th came and went, and their anniversary didn't even cross my mind one time! WHAT?! i know it's just a date on a calendar, and i know that my brother probably wouldn't have remembered their anniversary even if dad were still here, but dates have always been a big deal to me, so a couple days later when i realized i had completely forgotten it, i was absolutely stunned -- not even like overwhelmed with sadness, but like utterly shocked.

do i wish i still felt like i couldn't breathe because of the pain everyday? i guess not, because those were hard days that i don't ever want to live through again... but forgetting things like their anniversary (as silly as that may seem) makes me feel like i'm forgetting him and i can't even handle that feeling. just typing that makes me feel a little bit nauseous. 

oh grief, you are such a terrible lose/lose situation. you are such a reminder that this world is broken, but thankfully not our home forever. you are such a reminder that i am completely incapable of mustering up hope, peace, joy, and love on my own... such a reminder that i am desperate need of the savior whose coming we celebrate this time of year. 

one thousand gifts.

ann voskamp's book, one thousand gifts, has been on my nightstand waiting for me to read it now for about four months. in the meantime, i've started following her on twitter, checking her blog occasionally... but for whatever reason i've just let her book collect dust.

then, last week my friend posted a video of ann voskamp on her blog. i'm not completely sure, but i think it's a preview video of a new one thousand gifts bible study. whatever it is, it's fantastic. i sat there watching it (and have watched it again) with tears in my eyes.

she talks about how at an early age, she went through tragedy and her heart became closed off toward God. she talks about how she couldn't see his love and his grace toward her. she talks about how this project of finding one thousand blessings in her life became a journey of restoration. she talks about how gratitude changed her entire perspective on life and allowed her to understand God's love for her.

the tears came because her story sounds way too familiar. i've struggled to understand God's love for me in the last five and a half years. i've tried to keep him at a distance. i've allowed my faith to become something in my head, rather than my heart. on top of that, i've recently felt like i've just been going from job to job, event to event, weekend to weekend... just feeling like i'm existing and getting by rather than really living.

but, i find myself really wanting my heart to be engaged. i want to really live in the moment. i want my affections to be stirred for him. i want to see his love and grace in my life. it may seem scary and difficult sometimes, but i want it desperately.

whether you're in a similar place or not, i hope your heart is encouraged and your perspective is renewed by this video. it's only 20 minutes long, so grab a cup of coffee and enjoy. oh and i'm only a few pages in, but i can already tell you i'd recommend the book, too!

now playing.

good music can affect my mood more than just about anything else.

likewise, good music can stir my affections for jesus more than most things. i treasure those songs that make my soul scream, "yes!! me too! amen!!" you know that feeling when you feel like someone was able to put into words what you didn't even know was inside of you? then, they put those words to good music and i'm just done.

recently, a friend told me about this group called all sons & daughters. i had never heard of them, but she had told me like 17 different times to listen to them, so on a whim, i just opened up the itunes store and bought one of their EPs -- not even sure why i chose the one i did, but i love it. i mean, i LOVE it. every single song is good, but a couple of them especially make my heart freak out.

the first song on the EP is "reason to sing." here's a glimpse at some of the lyrics:

when the pieces seem too shattered

to gather off the floor

and all that seems to matter

is that i don't feel you anymore

no, i don't feel you anymore

i need a reason to sing

i need a reason to sing

i need to know that you're still holding

the whole world in your hands

i need a reason to sing

have you ever been there?! our feelings are so deceiving, aren't they? we can become so overwhelmed by our {very real, yet fleeting} emotions that we miss the nearness of God's presence. in those moments of brokenness, loneliness, emptiness, all theological training goes out the window -- all that matters is being able to know that God is near and that he indeed has the whole world in his hands, or as Paul writes, "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together" (colossians 1.17).

from that heaviness, they move into the next song, "oh our lord," which starts out with these words:

i will sing, sing, sing to my God, my king

for all else fades away

i will love, love, love with this heart you've made

for you've been good always

oh, oh, oh our Lord

oh, oh, oh our Lord

how majestic is your name in all the earth

the whole song is about praising the powerful, majestic name of the Lord. i just love that movement -- from "i need a reason to sing" to "i will sing" -- because i've learned that sometimes that's what it's all about. whether i'm having a bad day, a bad week, or a bad year, in those moments that i can't feel God and i get lost in my worries and questions, i have to force myself to remember truth. i have a friend who often tells me to preach to myself -- to remind myself of truth -- like the psalmist does in psalm 42.5: "why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? hope in God; for i shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." usually the truth i remember in those moments is no more advanced than "God is faithful" -- but because i can claim that truth, i have a reason to sing. praising God gives us perspective. 

so whether you jam to spotify, pandora, itunes, or whatever, i can't recommend all sons & daughters highly enough. i have no doubt that they will soon move from my "recently added" to my "top 25 most played." 

what music leads your heart to worship??

father's day lightbulbs.

you would think that since sunday was my 6th (weird) father's day without dad that it wouldn't be that big of a deal. you would be wrong. it just never gets normal. but thankfully, this one was for sure better than most. on the first couple of father's days without dad, i don't think i ventured far from my bed -- and i certainly wasn't about to go to church and see all the happy little families sitting together. praise the Lord (seriously) that those painful days are for the most part behind me.

i woke up sunday morning and was immediately bombarded by instagram after instagram, tweet after tweet, facebook update after facebook update of people talking about how great their dads are and posting cute pictures of them together. of course my immediate, initial response was envy and anger -- and i especially hated the ones of girls on their wedding day with their dads, as they only reminded me of my dad's absence at mine.

but throughout the day as i continued to see the slew of posts, my perspective changed a little (seriously only by the grace of God). i read people's posts about their dads -- everyone claiming to have the best, most loving, wonderful, incredible, superman dad ever. then the lightbulb went off: i had one of those dads. i had a dad that would put all other dads to shame. i thought he was superman. i thought he loved my mom and his kids better than any other man had ever loved his wife and children. i was (and still am) so obnoxiously proud to be his daughter.

auburn baseball game, spring 2006

and you know what? (insert second lightbulb going off.) there are way too many people on this earth that can't say that. WAY TOO MANY. my heart aches for the 147 million orphans in this world -- orphans who are no longer just a stat to me, but have faces and names engraved in my mind forever. but let's be honest, it's not just the orphans in third-world countries who are fatherless. anyone reading this blog can probably name at least a handful of friends/family whose dads just flat out stink. maybe yours stinks. it just makes me sick.

i'm so thankful to have had a dad who was such a beautiful picture of the Heavenly Father. and this father's day more than ever, i'm thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves the earthly orphans and fatherless.

"Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation." -- Psalm 68.5 (ESV)
"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." -- Psalm 27:10 (NLT)

staycation and celebration.

have you ever had a staycation? i totally recommend it. my mom and brother came up for a few days, and instead of staying in norman and doing the usual thing, she decided we needed a staycation, so she got us a couple rooms at a hotel in downtown okc for the weekend. what a fun idea! i loved feeling like we were "hosting" people in our city -- but at the same time feeling like we got to have a little getaway too -- and who knew okc could be so fun?! from downtown to bricktown, the okc memorial and pops, we had such a good time.

(sidenote: i just realized i need to take more pictures of people and less pictures of things. oops.)

i always love being with my family for easter weekend. even if we don't talk about it or make a big deal about it, it's good for us to remember together that death is not the end. death does not have the final word. even though it has dramatically changed our lives in a very unexpected and unwelcome way, we don't have to grieve as others do who have no hope (1 thessalonians 4.13). we have hope. jesus has conquered death and the grave. DEATH is swallowed up in VICTORY (1 corinthians 15.55).

on that note, the highlight of the weekend for me was our good friday service. our church in norman -- providence road -- joined together with 5 other acts 29 churches in the okc area for a time of worship on friday night. it was so simple and so beautiful. it was just a series of scripture readings, prayers, and songs -- nothing crazy or super innovative -- just enough to focus our hearts on the cross. it was perfect. my heart was so moved by the gospel -- much needed refreshment.

chris and i kept the kiddos sunday night at church. at first, i was kinda bummed that i was having to miss worship on easter sunday -- but how selfish is that?! my attitude quickly changed as i realized what a gift it was to these parents that we could watch their kids and give them the opportunity to worship and celebrate without worrying about babies crying and toddlers not knowing how to share (who knew that was such a hard concept?!). so maybe it wasn't the typical way to worship on easter sunday, but we loved it. (and it didn't hurt that the kids were SUPER cute decked out in their easter attire -- i mean, ADORABLE! i wish i had pictures for you.)

okay and last but not least, speaking of adorable children in easter clothes, my brother sent me a picture of my nephew, whit, on easter. CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE IT?! he's just the absolute cutest. i can't wait to see him again.

hope you had a great easter weekend! HE IS RISEN!!!

five years.

today marks five years since my dad died and my life changed forever. i've felt a range of emotions today and in the days leading up to it, but honestly more than anything, i've just felt completely dumbfounded that it's been five years. i'm talking sincere disbelief. i've subtracted 2012-2007 a few times, and it always comes out to 5. i've counted the years on my fingers, and it always comes out to a full hand. how in the world did that happen?!

it's been quite a journey. instead of being consumed by flashbacks of that terrible day (which is usually the case on this day), i've really found myself thinking more today about the last five years -- everything that has happened and how much i've changed. it just baffles me (and bothers me, of course) when i think about the fact that dad hasn't been around for any of it.

>> think about all that's happened in the world in the last five years -- iphones and ipads galore, obama in the oval office, osama bin laden killed, massive economic recession... auburn in the national championship, the texas rangers in back-to-back world series, baylor athletics actually being good...

>> think about all that's happened in our family in the last five years -- we've added two spouses and an adorable little baby... i spent three years in waco and drew spent three years in denver... and now luke lives in longview but mom doesn't. weird.

>> think about all that's happened in my life in the last five years -- honduras, vietnam, ethiopia, india, mexico... college graduation, three years of seminary, seminary graduation... falling in love, proposal, engagement, wedding, moving to oklahoma...

i mean, SO much has happened... and that's all just external and circumstantial. i've changed so much internally, too. emotionally and spiritually i'm just a different person now than i was before this journey of grief began. sometimes i grieve the loss of that person. i miss the naivety, the unshaken faith, the feeling that everything would always work out. but if i step back for just a second and make myself be completely honest, i've got to wonder -- is that person really better?

sure, the 20-year-old, non-grieving me had a lot fewer questions and a much less complicated faith, but it's been through the questions and confusion that i've grown the most. i've been forced to decide whether or not to throw in the towel on this whole faith thing. i've been forced to decide if the bible is just a book or if it's the foundation of my life. i've been forced to decide if god really is who i claimed him to be for 20 years or if i was just born into a family that believed those things. i've been forced to decide if i'm going to trust him in his sovereignty or if i should just give him the stiff arm and try to figure life out on my own.

this is what i've learned -- god is good, faithful, and sovereign, and his word is true, whether i believe it at the time or not. if i close my eyes and think the sky is green, it doesn't change the fact that it's blue. when i've let myself get lost in a sea of self-pity, when i've cried until my eyes hurt, when i haven't understood why, god's character hasn't changed. god has been so incredibly gracious not to give up on me, and not only that -- but to continue bringing me back to him.

i don't think i'll ever understand why. i don't think i'll ever be finished dealing with it. i don't think it will ever be a completed chapter of my story, but rather a theme that began in one chapter and is continually thread throughout the rest of the story. so now we begin year six... and just like the previous five years, i'll take it one day at a time...

2 corinthians 1.3-4.

"blessed be the god and father of our lord jesus christ, the father of mercies and god of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by god."

i remember a few years ago thinking that there was absolutely no way that god could ever use my pain and my grief for good. the only way i could possibly imagine any good coming from it was if i could somehow be in a place where it could be used to benefit someone else in their grief...but the thought that i would ever be in that place was literally unfathomable. i was too early in my own grief process to imagine being able to speak into anyone else's.

i knew, however, that it wasn't really an option. when you enter this type of grief, it's almost like you've become a member of a club, and this is one of the membership requirements. you've got to walk alongside the new members and share with them what you've learned. that's just part of it. i could not be more thankful for the people who have done this for me--mary catherine burson, meg beasley, jessica stowell, liz dewberry, eryn humphrey, erin groth....

one of my best friends from home, whitney, lost her mom suddenly and unexpectedly on friday morning. needless to say, my heart has been HEAVY the last few days--heavy from hurting for whitney and her family, heavy from knowing the road of grief she's about to walk, and heavy from the weight of responsibility i feel to walk that road with her. these have been some of the hardest days i've had in a while, as so many memories and feelings have come to surface that i haven't thought about or felt in months. but i have to believe that it's worth it. i have to believe that this is one of the ways god may choose to use my grief for his good. i have to believe that this is what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians.

i can only hope to encourage whitney in the way that so many have encouraged me in the last few years. pray for me as i seek to know the god of all comfort and strive to encourage whitney to lean into him continually. more importantly, please pray for whitney and the mcmahon family in these days.

foundation.

as i stood in church yesterday, shoulder to shoulder with my family, i was suddenly incredibly overwhelmed. the congregation was singing songs about the faithfulness of god, and i realized that my family was standing there as a living testimony of what it means to endure trials by faith. no one would have blamed us if we had walked away from everything...but, by the grace of god, we didn't. so i stood there yesterday, rejoicing that we as a family were still standing on him alone as our rock.

but funny how quickly my mind can turn on me, for "the heart is deceitful above all things; and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (jeremiah 17.9). i soon found myself thinking about 2011 and what a crazy year it might be for my family. mom could sell her house and move to dallas. luke and teri will have a baby. luke could be looking for a new job. both drew and i will graduate from seminary. both drew and i will be moving and looking for jobs. dating a boy could turn into planning a wedding. and all of this just in 2011. suddenly, everything about the future seemed incredibly uncertain and i felt like i was losing my footing.

then we sang this hymn. once you get passed all the thees and thous, the lyrics are really good and exactly the reminder that i needed. i hope they encourage you today, too:

how firm a foundation, ye saints of the lord,

is laid for your faith in his excellent word!

what more can he say than to you he hath said--

to you who for refuge to jesus have fled?

"fear not, i am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

for i am they god, and will still give thee aid;

i'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

upheld by my gracious, omnipotent hand.

"when through the deep waters i call thee to go,

the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;

for i will be with thee thy trouble to bless,

and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"when through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

my grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;

the flame shall not harm thee; i only design

thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

"the soul that on jesus doth lean for repose,

i will not, i will not desert to his foes;

that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

i'll never, no never, no never forsake."

thankful for these promises as i look back over the last four years.

thankful for these promises as i walk into 2011.

world series and a bowl game, please.

maybe it's because the rangers clinched the american league west for the first time since 1999...

or maybe it's because the baylor bears are actually playing decent football this year...

but for whatever reason, i've been missing my dad a lot recently.

he would be so proud of these two teams. he would love to watch the rangers play baseball in october. and he would love talking to all his baylor buddies about how the bears might actually go to a bowl game for the first time in over 15 years.

what would he think about josh hamilton and robert griffin III? what would he think about the fact that i go to baylor games as a baylor STUDENT? what would he think about iphones and the ability to get sports scores and updates from your phone? would he hate the bears' white helmets? would he love that the rangers are back to wearing red more like they used to?

anyway, all that to say, i find myself cheering extra hard for the rangers and the bears this year... world series and a bowl game, please.

musings from mozart's.

for the last two years, february 27th has been a day of intense emotion and anxiety, with memories of that day in 2007 flooding my mind and leaving me feeling like i can't catch my breath.

praise god saturday wasn't like that.

there's such freedom in realizing that those feelings can (and do) certainly come and go, but they don't have to be governed by a date on the calendar.

i actually spent the day in austin with some friends, and got to spend the afternoon at mozart's, which is easily one of the coolest coffee shops i've ever been to. it was good to spend a few hours like this:

i don't know how best to articulate this, but i can't get away from the feeling that he's bringing me back around. he's wooing me back to him. where i used to think about god and feel so angry and betrayed and scared, now i feel peace and trust and security. where it all used to make me want to run away or keep him at an arm's length, now it makes me want to press into him.

perhaps it's no coincidence that i've been reading a henri nouwen book called the return of the prodigal son. i highly recommend it. here's a section from one of the last chapters, "the father welcomes home." i wanted to highlight every word and scream "YES!" at the end of every sentence.

For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. The question is not 'How am I to find God?' but 'How am I to let myself be found by him?' The question is not 'How am I to know God?' but 'How am I to let myself be known by God?' And, finally, the question is not 'How am I to love God?' but 'How am I to let myself be loved by God?'

I am beginning now to see how radically the character of my spiritual journey will change when I no longer think of God as hiding out and making it as difficult as possible for me to find him, but, instead, as the one who is looking for me while I am doing the hiding. When I look through God's eyes at my lost self and discover God's joy at my coming home, then my life may become less anguished and more trusting.

Can I accept that I am worth looking for? Do I believe that there is a real desire in God to simply be with me?

sorry for such a long excerpt, but i feel like it perfectly describes where i am--longing to surrender my struggle and to let myself be found and known and loved by god...and trying to believe that he hasn't given up on me but desires to be with me...

i have to believe that i'm not alone in these thoughts. so whoever you are, i hope you're encouraged.

suffering well.

i have no doubt that anyone reading this blog has heard of matt chandler and his fight against brain cancer. the associated press recently released an article about him that has been published in newspapers across the country. if you haven't already, you really should read it. it's incredibly well-written. praise god that such a powerful word has been read by so many.

i've now read the article about three times, and each time my heart is challenged and convicted. my mind is racing with questions, so i keep reading it thinking i might find answers, but instead, the questions just race faster. so rather than presenting some organized, eloquent thoughts on the matter, i simply come with a list of questions. feel free to jump in and be a part of the processing.

• how does "suffering well" translate from enduring a fight against cancer to grieving the death of someone you love?
• has he really only asked "why me?" once? is it okay that i ask that question almost daily?
• his calvinist theology is clearly communicated through this article. as always, it makes me slightly uncomfortable, but i can't help wondering: is it the secret to his ability to maintain such a perspective on suffering?
• "he says he feels grateful that God has counted him worthy to endure it. he has always preached that God will bring both joy and suffering..." is it necessary to believe that second sentence in order to have the sense of gratitude described in the first?
• during the last three years, have i grieved well? do i have regrets?
• have i remained steadfast, or do i "grieve as others do who have no hope"? (1 thessalonians 4.13)
• in the last three years, have i endured this trial in such a way as to point others to the gospel? in the future, will i face trials in such a way as to point others to the gospel?

in today's my utmost for his highest reading, oswald chambers writes:

"The one passion of Paul's life was to proclaim the Gospel of God. He welcomed heartbreaks, disillusionments, tribulation, for one reason only, because these things kept him in unmoved devotion to the Gospel of God."

may we be unmoved in our devotion to the gospel. may we learn to suffer well.

a thrill of hope.

i realized sitting in the christmas eve service tonight that i've been dealing with christmas this year like i deal with cold weather: i don't love cold weather, but there's nothing i can really do about it, so i just have to bundle up and hope i get inside again before it makes me too miserable. this is exactly how i've been getting through this christmas season. i haven't been shocked by it (1st year), or angered by it (2nd year), but maybe just bothered by it... and since there's not much i can do about it, i've simply braced myself and hoped to survive.

but i recognized tonight that in bracing myself for the season of christmas i've missed out on the message of christmas. (read "message" as "reason", though i couldn't bring myself to use the word "reason" due to the countless times i've rolled my eyes at "jesus is the reason for the season" church marquees.) this year, rather than my mind being captivated by the story and my heart being engaged in worship, i've done my best to keep it all at an arms-length so as not to get emotionally involved.

however, it's hard to keep emmanuel at an arms-length. emmanuel. god with us. surely that is the "good news of a great joy that will be for all the people" that the angels were talking about. it is good news to me that "the word became flesh and dwelt among us" (john 1.14). it is good news to me that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses" (hebrews 4.15). i find a great joy in this emmanuel, this savior that would come to see and feel and hear and hurt and weep and laugh and struggle and ache and love.

so tonight, as i squeezed like a sardine onto a church pew packed with me and about 20 of my relatives, i felt my weary heart rejoicing--thankful for a family i couldn't love more, thankful for the opportunity to worship, and thankful for emmanuel.

a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

fall on your knees.

oh hear the angel voices.

oh night divine.

oh night when christ was born.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...?

i'm not sure where december came from, because i absolutely still feel like it should be october. regardless, december is here, and everyone around me seems to be bubbling with christmas spirit. i literally feel like i've had to force myself to muster up some christmas cheer. i've been drinking hot cider and hot cocoa, eating little debbie christmas tree cakes, listening to christmas music every now and then...we even went to the christmas tree lighting and went ice skating...

...and all of this has been a lot of fun, but i just feel like i've been missing something.

at church on sunday, i was reminded of the beauty and wonder of advent. the worship leader emphasized the significance of advent hymns, in contrast to christmas carols. we sang songs that specifically focused on the sense of expectation and hope felt during the advent season.

i recently saw this tweet from j.r. vassar: "the first advent brought relief from our sins. the second advent will bring relief from our sufferings. come, lord jesus."

wow. do i live in expectation of that? do i work towards making that coming kingdom a reality today? do i recognize this coming jesus as the one in luke 4.18-19, the one proclaiming good news to the poor, liberty to the captives and to the oppressed?

this advent hymn has been in my head since sunday. i hope the words challenge you like they have me:

come thou long-expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thy own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all-sufficient merit

raise us to thy glorious throne.

so maybe you're one of those that can't contain your christmas cheer... or maybe you're like me--just drinking a peppermint mocha and tuning into the 24/7 christmas music radio station every now and then... but either way, i pray we understand the hope and expectation of the advent season. come, lord jesus.

healing.

a friend shared this with me. interesting thoughts. i think it's by brennan manning. enjoy!

Healing is a response to a crisis of another person...

Healing becomes the opportunity to pass off to another human being what I have received from the Lord Jesus; namely His unconditional acceptance of me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am. 

When I have passed that same reality on to another human being, the result most often has been the inner healing of their heart through the touch of my affirmation. To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary...When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation.

Finally, brethren, Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Phil. 4:8

round 3.

so as always, the anticipation last week was much worse than the actual day. it helped that i got to spend the weekend in alabama with some of my favorite people in the whole world. it was so good for my soul to be around people that really know me and love me. 

the whole two years thing really is so bizarre though. i know on the outside it sounds like a substantial amount of time, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. in the beginning, two years sounded so far away, but friday came...and went..and life just kept going. i don't know what else i expected, but it's weird to me that everything just keeps moving on. so where does that leave us now? like the first year, everything was so shocking and weird and different. the second year, i feel like we figured out how to make things work. so now that we're starting round 3, is it supposed to be normal life now? i mean, people talk about the "firsts," but who talks about the "thirds"? answer: nobody. but isn't it weird that all of the sudden it's supposed to be okay? 

i had the realization last week that i'm in this really bizarre middle ground between being scared to remember him and being scared to forget him. it's like i don't let myself think about him much because i don't want it to hurt and i don't want to miss him but i certainly don't want to get to the place where i don't remember him or don't miss him. does that make any sense? 

i was reading deuteronomy this week for my scriptures class and had forgotten how much i love that book. god continually reminds the israelites that the covenant between them is not based on their righteousness but on his divine grace. he continually reminds them of how he has constantly provided for them. it was such a good reminder for me that the same god that has been faithful to me in the past has been faithful to me in the last two years, is faithful to me today, and will continue to be faithful to me in the future. i have to believe that he is faithful even when i am faithless. 

maybe too honest.

my heart has been so heavy this week. i can't shake the feeling that i could lose it at any second. tomorrow it will be two years since dad died. what?! that's so weird to even type. the anticipation is always worse than the actual day, so i feel like i've been pretty checked out of life this week, but tomorrow will probably come and go and just be another day.

it's easy to feel alone, misunderstood, unknown, crazy....but the truth is, i have an abnormal amount of people in my life that genuinely care about me. so many people have been checking on me, asking how i'm doing or if they can do anything. unfortunately, i hate those questions because i absolutely have no idea how to answer them. i honestly cannot think of a good way to answer the "how are you doing?" question. i had a rough day on sunday and last night a friend asked me if i was doing better. i mean, thanks, but better?! what does that even mean? and the "can i do anything?" question is much appreciated but also a tough one. can you change the situation? no. can you take the pain away? no. everything else just feels like bandaids on a gaping wound or like we're treating the symptoms and not doing anything about the actual problem. 

okay maybe that was dramatic. honestly, i really am so thankful for those questions even though i hate them. it just shows that someone cares and wants to help. i wish someone could say something or do something to make it go away. i just desperately wish that someone could fix it, so then i get frustrated when they can't. not fair, i know.

thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for asking. thanks for being gracious when i'm unfair.

hey february.

when i turned my alarm off this morning and looked at the date on my phone, i literally started telling myself, "don't freak out. don't freak out. don't freak out." maybe i sound crazy, but in all honesty, the fact that it's february again just kinda scares me and overwhelms me. i hadn't thought much about it coming up, so this morning i was surprised by how much it bothered me. and maybe by "bothered" i mean, "physically hurt." i know that sounds incredibly dramatic, but sometimes the pain isn't just an emotion or a feeling; it can be physically felt. i don't really understand it. 

i feel like yesterday was february of 2008, when i started this blog because i was freaking out about the one-year anniversary. and let's be honest, february of 2007 really only feels like a few months ago, so i don't really know how to handle the fact that the two-year mark is quickly approaching.

to some, all these numbers and dates probably seem trivial, but they're pretty significant to me. the last two years have been such a journey on so many levels. you can probably expect a few posts about it in the next month.

day by day.

i have to confess that a new year brings with it a lot of excitement and expectation, but maybe also a little fear? it can be a little overwhelming if you ask me. however, my mom has me stuck on this idea of living life day by day. i can't think about living 2009, i have to think about living today, january 10th.

right after dad died, i was living breath to breath, then i could go minute to minute, then hour to hour, then maybe a few hours at a time. after a while, i would try to take a day at a time, a few days at a time, a week at a time...etc. now, as the two-year mark is quickly approaching, i feel like i should be able to conquer another year, but let's be honest, it really scares me.

but here's my question: why do i think it's a sign of strength to be able to live year to year, or even month to month? is that type of living anywhere in the bible? i could be wrong, but i'm going to suggest that it's not. maybe it's quite the opposite, actually. i think we're created to live one day at a time.

look at the israelites in exodus 16. the Lord rained down bread from heaven for his people to eat. he commanded them to "go out and gather a day's portion every day" (v.4). isn't it interesting that he didn't give them massive amounts of bread to store up and ration out on their own? this way, the people were required to trust his provision every single morning. and did he fail? absolutely not. "morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat" (v.21). he wasn't just giving them enough to get by. they were able to eat their fill.

so is it any coincidence that when Jesus taught on prayer, he prayed, "give us this day our daily bread" (matthew 6.11)? or that a little later in that sermon, he said "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (6.34)?

as i face 2009, i want to learn how to live day by day. i want to know what it is to daily trust God in my grief, in my family, in my relationships, in my schoolwork. do i really believe that he will always provide?

blah and beautiful.

i feel like there's a whole lot i could write about right now. so much has happened in the week or so that i've been home. 

my oldest brother, luke, got married last weekend. honestly, i thought it was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. there were just so many emotions involved. good news: the wedding day was perfect. it really could not have been better. it was one of the most intimate and worshipful ceremonies i've ever seen. as has been true throughout this entire season of grief, the anticipation was much worse than the actual event. in the anticipation, there was so much anxiety and fear and sorrow, but on the actual day there was a peace that "surpasses all understanding" (phil. 4.7). like my brother wrote in his blog, it's funny that we let ourselves freak out over and over again, when in reality, God has been nothing but faithful to us. 

so now, in the post-wedding days, our focus has turned to christmas. since the christmas season and nostalgia are somewhat of a package deal, and since i tend to be somewhat nostalgic, i'm usually all about the traditions, carols, and decorations, but for some reason, i just haven't been into it this year. our decorations are minimal because none of us were in the mood to decorate. mom wants to deviate from all traditions this year. (exhibit a: she's making mexican food for our christmas dinner.) and as far as carols go (not like rudolph, but like o holy night), i sat in our carols and candles service sunday night (usually the highlight of my year) and couldn't get excited about singing those songs. i'm not trying to sound like scrooge, i'm just trying to be honest about this funk i've been in.

i guess the bottom-line is that christmas #2 without dad has been tougher for me than the first. those of you that know me know that this doesn't mean i've been weeping and screaming, in fact, i haven't shed a tear (surprise). instead, it's just been this weird, underlying sadness that i can't seem to shake. and it's not the anxious anticipation i mentioned with the wedding, because it's not like a fear of christmas day...it's just...kinda blah. 

but good news: tonight was beautiful. our family adopted a family through buckner and delivered gifts and clothes to them tonight. this sweet hispanic family consisted of three little boys, a baby girl, and a single mom. they were so thankful and so joyful. tonight i understood the joy of christmas. it was good for us as a family to join together in serving other people. it was good to hug those kids. it was good to pray with them in their home. it was good to share hope and experience love. 

after tonight, my situation hasn't changed, but hopefully my focus has. it bothers me that the christmas carols don't excite me and that my heart just seems kinda removed from the christmas story, but when the feelings aren't there, i have to believe what i know to be true about the character of God. i have to believe he is my source of love, hope, joy and peace. and let's be honest, i have to think that he was probably more excited about us loving on a family in need than he was about us wearing christmas sweaters, holding candles, and singing "silent night."