spilled.

i made don's blog! great photography. check it out.

http://spilled.tumblr.com/

coffee at 70. yes please.

read this post. i like it a lot.

http://dwelldeep.net/?p=44

i also like roadtripping to denver with my brother. we're having a blast.

blah and beautiful.

i feel like there's a whole lot i could write about right now. so much has happened in the week or so that i've been home. 

my oldest brother, luke, got married last weekend. honestly, i thought it was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. there were just so many emotions involved. good news: the wedding day was perfect. it really could not have been better. it was one of the most intimate and worshipful ceremonies i've ever seen. as has been true throughout this entire season of grief, the anticipation was much worse than the actual event. in the anticipation, there was so much anxiety and fear and sorrow, but on the actual day there was a peace that "surpasses all understanding" (phil. 4.7). like my brother wrote in his blog, it's funny that we let ourselves freak out over and over again, when in reality, God has been nothing but faithful to us. 

so now, in the post-wedding days, our focus has turned to christmas. since the christmas season and nostalgia are somewhat of a package deal, and since i tend to be somewhat nostalgic, i'm usually all about the traditions, carols, and decorations, but for some reason, i just haven't been into it this year. our decorations are minimal because none of us were in the mood to decorate. mom wants to deviate from all traditions this year. (exhibit a: she's making mexican food for our christmas dinner.) and as far as carols go (not like rudolph, but like o holy night), i sat in our carols and candles service sunday night (usually the highlight of my year) and couldn't get excited about singing those songs. i'm not trying to sound like scrooge, i'm just trying to be honest about this funk i've been in.

i guess the bottom-line is that christmas #2 without dad has been tougher for me than the first. those of you that know me know that this doesn't mean i've been weeping and screaming, in fact, i haven't shed a tear (surprise). instead, it's just been this weird, underlying sadness that i can't seem to shake. and it's not the anxious anticipation i mentioned with the wedding, because it's not like a fear of christmas day...it's just...kinda blah. 

but good news: tonight was beautiful. our family adopted a family through buckner and delivered gifts and clothes to them tonight. this sweet hispanic family consisted of three little boys, a baby girl, and a single mom. they were so thankful and so joyful. tonight i understood the joy of christmas. it was good for us as a family to join together in serving other people. it was good to hug those kids. it was good to pray with them in their home. it was good to share hope and experience love. 

after tonight, my situation hasn't changed, but hopefully my focus has. it bothers me that the christmas carols don't excite me and that my heart just seems kinda removed from the christmas story, but when the feelings aren't there, i have to believe what i know to be true about the character of God. i have to believe he is my source of love, hope, joy and peace. and let's be honest, i have to think that he was probably more excited about us loving on a family in need than he was about us wearing christmas sweaters, holding candles, and singing "silent night." 

more later.

i'll write more later, but for now, read my brother's blog for thoughts from this weekend. he's a great writer. 

http://searchingbutnotlost.tumblr.com/post/64832826/weddings-and-stress

more thoughts on hope.

i'm still stuck on the concept of hope.

i'm reading a philip yancey book right now entitled "disappointment with god." i recommend it. in chapter 12 he talks about how hope is the deepest of human emotions--not just among believers, but throughout humanity. countless fairy tales and cartoons give us the message that there will be a happy ending. when faced with unimaginable tragedy or the common cold, most people have the mindset that it'll all work out, everything will be okay. 

yancey quotes tolkien's thoughts on the message of fairy tales: "[Fairy tale] does not deny the existence of...sorrow and failure: the possibility of theses is necessary to the joy of the deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat...giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief."

interesting. isn't that the hope given by the old testament prophets and believed by christians today--that the world will not end in "universal final defeat," but in Joy? but what about right now? sometimes the end of the world seems a little too far off. must i wait until the end of the world for answers to my questions about god or a solution to my being disappointed with him?

isaiah 63.9 tells of god's relationship with his people: "in all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. in his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."

i have a hard time believing that god is distressed when i'm distressed or that he carries me with love and mercy--not in the future, but right now. recently, a professor asked me what about me pleases jesus. i had a hard time answering her and honestly, i'm still thinking about her question. i have a hard time believing that jesus loves me and is pleased with me right now. i find myself thinking that he'll really love me when i quit wrestling with all these questions or when i quit being a crazy or when i figure out how to have faith or how to pray. 

but isn't the message of christmas, the hope of emmanuel, that god came to be with us in our everyday lives right now? like isaiah proclaims in isaiah 40.1, "comfort, comfort my people, says your god." MY people. YOUR god. there's a covenant relationship there. comfort, hope, peace available right now through the coming of jesus. do i believe that? rather, do i live like i believe that? 

the only hope.

in celebrating advent, this week is all about hope. i'm reading through an advent guide produced by buckner international. get it here: http://www.buckner.org/advent-daily.shtml

one of the readings in the advent guide this week was about the difference between hope and wishful thinking. i think too often my hope is less like unwavering assurance and more like wishful thinking. i guess it's a lack of faith or confidence, a struggle to believe, perhaps. 

hebrews 11.1 (esv): "now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

i don't really know how to make the transition from wishful thinking to blessed assurance. any suggestions?

maybe bebo can help me out. he usually does. this song is on his newest cd. you should get it.

"the only hope"

i want to run, it's my nature to run

and i want to fight, it's my nature to fight

and i want to live, but you tell me to die

i have resolved that i'm much better off in your hands than mine

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you take my life from me

i want a crumb, but you are a feast

i want a song, but you are a symphony

i want a star, but you are a galaxy

and i have resolved that i'm much better off in what you have for me

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you to take my life from me

so tell me you won't let go

tell me you won't let go

cause you are the only hope for me

take my life from me, it's the only hope for me

take my life from me, it's the only hope for me

and i'll never want for more

i'll never want for more

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you to take my life from me

so tell me you won't let go

tell me you won't let go

cause you are the only hope for me

you're the only hope for me

yeah, you're the only hope for me

i especially love the verses of this song. they nail me in the way i think and relate with god. and then the chorus is this reminder that it's not really about me or the way i think. my desperate hope is really about him holding on to me, not the other way around.