musings from mozart's.

for the last two years, february 27th has been a day of intense emotion and anxiety, with memories of that day in 2007 flooding my mind and leaving me feeling like i can't catch my breath.

praise god saturday wasn't like that.

there's such freedom in realizing that those feelings can (and do) certainly come and go, but they don't have to be governed by a date on the calendar.

i actually spent the day in austin with some friends, and got to spend the afternoon at mozart's, which is easily one of the coolest coffee shops i've ever been to. it was good to spend a few hours like this:

i don't know how best to articulate this, but i can't get away from the feeling that he's bringing me back around. he's wooing me back to him. where i used to think about god and feel so angry and betrayed and scared, now i feel peace and trust and security. where it all used to make me want to run away or keep him at an arm's length, now it makes me want to press into him.

perhaps it's no coincidence that i've been reading a henri nouwen book called the return of the prodigal son. i highly recommend it. here's a section from one of the last chapters, "the father welcomes home." i wanted to highlight every word and scream "YES!" at the end of every sentence.

For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. The question is not 'How am I to find God?' but 'How am I to let myself be found by him?' The question is not 'How am I to know God?' but 'How am I to let myself be known by God?' And, finally, the question is not 'How am I to love God?' but 'How am I to let myself be loved by God?'

I am beginning now to see how radically the character of my spiritual journey will change when I no longer think of God as hiding out and making it as difficult as possible for me to find him, but, instead, as the one who is looking for me while I am doing the hiding. When I look through God's eyes at my lost self and discover God's joy at my coming home, then my life may become less anguished and more trusting.

Can I accept that I am worth looking for? Do I believe that there is a real desire in God to simply be with me?

sorry for such a long excerpt, but i feel like it perfectly describes where i am--longing to surrender my struggle and to let myself be found and known and loved by god...and trying to believe that he hasn't given up on me but desires to be with me...

i have to believe that i'm not alone in these thoughts. so whoever you are, i hope you're encouraged.