vulnerable love.

in the midst of all the talk about hearts, chocolates, and flowers last week, i was thinking about what it really means to love and to be loved, and i was reminded of this quote:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

-- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

that v-word -- vulnerable -- can be a scary one for me. in the context of community, if i put my fears, dreams, questions, and thoughts out there, they are able to be laughed at, trampled on, and judged. in the context of ministry, if i let myself become emotionally invested in the people i'm ministering to (whether that be college students in norman or orphans in ethiopia), then i risk rejection and heartbreak. so, at times i've tried to protect myself by not sharing everything or by putting up walls, even if i didn't realize i was doing it.

in the last 4 1/2 months, i've experienced love in a new context. i've never felt so incredibly vulnerable as i do with my husband -- he knows my deepest fears and dreams, he knows my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, he knows the sins that most easily entice me and the idols i am most tempted to worship instead of christ. yet i've learned that in this deepest vulnerability, there is a deeper love than i've ever known.

unfortunately, the people you love the most and with whom you are the most vulnerable -- spouse, parents, siblings, mentors, best friends -- have the greatest potential to hurt you. the fact of the matter is, they are not perfect and they have and will let me down. that's such a hard realization for me, and it makes me want to lock up my heart and not share it with anyone -- but what a terrible existence that would be! we were created for community, we were created to love.

all of this makes god's love even more mind-boggling to me. how could he possibly love me more than my husband does or my parents have? because he IS love. talk about vulnerability -- he knows my every thought, my every word; he knows how many hairs are on my head (which is a lot!) and the number of my days. again, that can be such a scary thing for me. what if i give him everything and trust him with my life but then my life doesn't go the way i think it should? is he trustworthy? does he really love me? i'm learning (yes, learning -- even though i've been at this christian thing for almost 20 years and feel like i should understand the basics by now) that the answer to these questions is YES.

and unlike my husband or family or friends, god loves me perfectly. his love for me is unselfish and unconditional. i've got to know this to be true and really rest in it -- because only when i understand his love for me will i be able to trust him, being 100% vulnerable with him and giving him all of who i am. this could be huge... and a long time coming.