five years.

today marks five years since my dad died and my life changed forever. i've felt a range of emotions today and in the days leading up to it, but honestly more than anything, i've just felt completely dumbfounded that it's been five years. i'm talking sincere disbelief. i've subtracted 2012-2007 a few times, and it always comes out to 5. i've counted the years on my fingers, and it always comes out to a full hand. how in the world did that happen?!

it's been quite a journey. instead of being consumed by flashbacks of that terrible day (which is usually the case on this day), i've really found myself thinking more today about the last five years -- everything that has happened and how much i've changed. it just baffles me (and bothers me, of course) when i think about the fact that dad hasn't been around for any of it.

>> think about all that's happened in the world in the last five years -- iphones and ipads galore, obama in the oval office, osama bin laden killed, massive economic recession... auburn in the national championship, the texas rangers in back-to-back world series, baylor athletics actually being good...

>> think about all that's happened in our family in the last five years -- we've added two spouses and an adorable little baby... i spent three years in waco and drew spent three years in denver... and now luke lives in longview but mom doesn't. weird.

>> think about all that's happened in my life in the last five years -- honduras, vietnam, ethiopia, india, mexico... college graduation, three years of seminary, seminary graduation... falling in love, proposal, engagement, wedding, moving to oklahoma...

i mean, SO much has happened... and that's all just external and circumstantial. i've changed so much internally, too. emotionally and spiritually i'm just a different person now than i was before this journey of grief began. sometimes i grieve the loss of that person. i miss the naivety, the unshaken faith, the feeling that everything would always work out. but if i step back for just a second and make myself be completely honest, i've got to wonder -- is that person really better?

sure, the 20-year-old, non-grieving me had a lot fewer questions and a much less complicated faith, but it's been through the questions and confusion that i've grown the most. i've been forced to decide whether or not to throw in the towel on this whole faith thing. i've been forced to decide if the bible is just a book or if it's the foundation of my life. i've been forced to decide if god really is who i claimed him to be for 20 years or if i was just born into a family that believed those things. i've been forced to decide if i'm going to trust him in his sovereignty or if i should just give him the stiff arm and try to figure life out on my own.

this is what i've learned -- god is good, faithful, and sovereign, and his word is true, whether i believe it at the time or not. if i close my eyes and think the sky is green, it doesn't change the fact that it's blue. when i've let myself get lost in a sea of self-pity, when i've cried until my eyes hurt, when i haven't understood why, god's character hasn't changed. god has been so incredibly gracious not to give up on me, and not only that -- but to continue bringing me back to him.

i don't think i'll ever understand why. i don't think i'll ever be finished dealing with it. i don't think it will ever be a completed chapter of my story, but rather a theme that began in one chapter and is continually thread throughout the rest of the story. so now we begin year six... and just like the previous five years, i'll take it one day at a time...

vulnerable love.

in the midst of all the talk about hearts, chocolates, and flowers last week, i was thinking about what it really means to love and to be loved, and i was reminded of this quote:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

-- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

that v-word -- vulnerable -- can be a scary one for me. in the context of community, if i put my fears, dreams, questions, and thoughts out there, they are able to be laughed at, trampled on, and judged. in the context of ministry, if i let myself become emotionally invested in the people i'm ministering to (whether that be college students in norman or orphans in ethiopia), then i risk rejection and heartbreak. so, at times i've tried to protect myself by not sharing everything or by putting up walls, even if i didn't realize i was doing it.

in the last 4 1/2 months, i've experienced love in a new context. i've never felt so incredibly vulnerable as i do with my husband -- he knows my deepest fears and dreams, he knows my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, he knows the sins that most easily entice me and the idols i am most tempted to worship instead of christ. yet i've learned that in this deepest vulnerability, there is a deeper love than i've ever known.

unfortunately, the people you love the most and with whom you are the most vulnerable -- spouse, parents, siblings, mentors, best friends -- have the greatest potential to hurt you. the fact of the matter is, they are not perfect and they have and will let me down. that's such a hard realization for me, and it makes me want to lock up my heart and not share it with anyone -- but what a terrible existence that would be! we were created for community, we were created to love.

all of this makes god's love even more mind-boggling to me. how could he possibly love me more than my husband does or my parents have? because he IS love. talk about vulnerability -- he knows my every thought, my every word; he knows how many hairs are on my head (which is a lot!) and the number of my days. again, that can be such a scary thing for me. what if i give him everything and trust him with my life but then my life doesn't go the way i think it should? is he trustworthy? does he really love me? i'm learning (yes, learning -- even though i've been at this christian thing for almost 20 years and feel like i should understand the basics by now) that the answer to these questions is YES.

and unlike my husband or family or friends, god loves me perfectly. his love for me is unselfish and unconditional. i've got to know this to be true and really rest in it -- because only when i understand his love for me will i be able to trust him, being 100% vulnerable with him and giving him all of who i am. this could be huge... and a long time coming.

happy heart day.

much love from the bristers!

dayquil and daisies.

if i had to summarize this past week in one picture, it would look like this:

chris started the sneezy, runny nose, scratchy throat party on monday... then i joined in on thursday... so now we find ourselves having a kickin' saturday night of eating soup, fighting over the kleenex box, and taking full advantage of our netflix subscription (our current obsession is parks & rec -- hilarious).

hopefully we'll both have fully functioning nostrils again soon, but in the meantime, i'll enjoy sounding like meg ryan in one of my favorite scenes of one of my favorite movies.

don't you think that daisies are the friendliest flower?

steeping.

sometimes my familiarity with certain passages causes me to miss out on what they're actually saying. i just assume i understand it because i've heard it my whole life. matthew 6 is one of those passages. i was reading it this morning and found myself skimming certain parts because they were familiar. so that's when i decided to turn to the message. i needed to read it in something less familiar, something that would maybe help me to understand it in a new way today. bingo. it was so good that i wanted to share it on here (i know it's long, but it's really good!). so here you go, matthew 6.25-34:

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion -- do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

(bold emphasis mine. obvi.)

when i'm anxious, when i worry, when i get distracted by things that don't matter, it's a sign that i don't really trust what i know to be true about god's character. since i know god and i know how he works, i don't have to worry about these things -- i can live careless in his care. i just love that. it's like being a kid again and not having to worry about anything -- just being completely carefree knowing my parents have it all under control. how much more does god have it all under control??

i also love the idea of steeping my life in him right now -- in who he is, what he's doing, and how he's providing for us right now. think about making hot tea -- if you don't let it steep, you miss out on all the flavor! i don't want to lose the full flavor of the present because i'm too distracted by the future or too anxious about things i think i need instead of being grateful for how he's already proven himself as our faithful provider.

and on that note, i think i'll go make some hot tea...