faith.

d.l. moody:

"i prayed for faith and thought that some day it would come down and strike me like lightning. but faith didn't seem to come. one day i read in romans that 'faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of god.' i had up to this time, closed my bible and prayed for faith. now i opened my bible and began to study and faith has been growing ever since." 

still overwhelmed.

in the last few days that i've been home, faces and events from my summer have been on constant replay in my mind. i feel like i can't really explain my experiences at kaa and in ethiopia, which doesn't help the fact that i feel like no one can really understand them. 

at kaa, for three whole months, i lived with, worked alongside of, ministered to, and became good friends with people of completely different lifestyles and backgrounds than my own. i worked hard and sweat a lot, learning what servanthood and humility really look like. i was surrounded by people that weren't the most theologically educated, but they certainly knew how to love jesus and how to serve him--and how many people that are theologically educated only talk about those things? for three months, i lived in a world where all that mattered was loving god and serving him. my main responsibilities were to love god and to love my girls, to serve the kampers and counselors and to work with an incredible leadership team. pretty good job description, eh?

then i went to ethiopia, where for a solid week i surrounded myself with people who also love god. these people were truly trying to figure out the meaning of james 1.27. my eyes literally saw some unbelievable things--beautiful faces, rich culture, extreme poverty. my ears heard the laughter of children, the cries of babies, and the conversations of american couples desiring to glorify god with what he has given them--seeking to be not merely donors, but rather stewards. i was so convicted to evaluate my own life--my resources, my gifts, my education, my time, my life experiences--and to figure out how to really be a good steward of who i am and what i've been given. it takes me back to romans 11.36. 

all summer i felt such a sense of purpose, such an ability to see clearly how god was working and how i could be a part of it. now, i feel so helpless and so disconnected from what i saw this summer. comparatively, i feel like my life now lacks direction and purpose, and i'm not really sure where to go from here. i want my life to have meaning. i want it to count for something...but what does that really look like? 

ethiopia.

so literally 24 hours after i left kamp, i was at dfw hopping on a plane to ethiopia. my life is not real. i was in ethiopia with buckner international august 7th-15th and now i'm home until school starts back up on the 24th.

coming off such an intense summer, i'm just really overwhelmed. physically, i'm exhausted. emotionally, i feel like my heart has been pulled in a million different directions in the last 3 months, and i'm not sure where that leaves me now. spiritually, i think i've known the lord in a new way this summer. i've tasted and seen his goodness, but i'm scared i'll soon find myself where i was before this summer began. 

ethiopia was unbelievable. i've dreamed of going to africa, and i've dreamed of traveling with some of those friends, so i knew it would be a phenomenal trip, but it even surpassed my expectations. the ethiopian people are easily the most beautiful i've ever seen. it's hard to think of any other word to describe the trip but OVERWHELMING. i was amazed to see the ways god is working in that country. i was inspired by the faith and hope and love of the believers there. 

hopefully, i'll have more thoughts for you later, but so far i haven't gotten much further than this. sara groves sums up a lot of my thoughts/feelings in her song, "i saw what i saw." download it.

running through the tape.

i wrote my last post on one of my first 24s of the summer and here i am writing this post on my very last 24. crazy. i really can't believe i'm so close to the end of my time here at kaa. i really have grown to love this place. i love the people, i love the atmosphere, i love the music, i love the conversations, i love the attire, i love having a lake in my backyard, i love feeling exhausted at the end of every day. and to be honest, all summer the thought of leaving this place has created somewhat of a haunting fear in me. i know that sounds bizarre and maybe even dramatic, but i'm being completely serious. it has been such an incredible summer, such a unique experience--not like a super spiritual, emotional, "mountain-top" experience, but just a very humbling, challenging, stretching experience. 

i'm scared to face the reality that i may never be back. i'm scared that when i leave and go back to normal life, i won't sense purpose and meaning in everyday life like i do here. i'm scared to be around people that act like they have it all together instead of the people here that are so open and honest about where they've come from and where they are now. i'm scared i'll go back to going lengthy amounts of time without thinking about the lord or recognizing my need for him. i'm scared i'll return to thoughts and feelings of spiritual apathy and irrelevance. and again, it's not like everything has clicked here and everything makes complete sense now, but i do feel less like a crazy and my relationship with god does seem a little more real and more purposeful.

so pray for me as i strive to make the most of my last week at kamp. pray that i won't throw in the towel and check out early but that i'll finish strong, run through the tape, and maximize my time, taking advantage of every opportunity with my girls. and maybe most importantly, pray for me as i prepare to leave on august 6th. 

kaa. u know.

sitting in the panera in good ol' branson, missouri. praise god for free wifi.

so i'm spending my summer at kids across america, serving as dhdl, dining hall discipleship leader--essentially, i run the kitchen but don't cook the food. the girls under me are called "komos," and we're in charge of all the cleaning and serving, but the cooks actually cook the food. let's just say we spend 12ish hours in the kitchen every day--about 4 hours each meal. we have 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners each day, serving about 500 people 3 times a day. needless to say, it's an absolutely exhausting job, but definitely rewarding. the kampers are inner-city kids from all over the country, and they come for 8 day sessions. session 2 wraps up tomorrow and session 3 starts on the 17th. crazy. also, 3 kamper sessions equal 1 staff term, so my komos change every term. this first term has gone by so quickly!

i feel like for the last two years i really haven't had to think outside of me and my family. i mean, in grief it's understandable, but going into this summer i think i was just really ready to focus on someone else besides myself. also, after being so wrapped up in the seminary world, i think i was just craving an opportunity to do hands-on ministry rather than just learning about it in a classroom. all of that to say, this position has fulfilled both of those desires....and it is REALLY stretching me. it is draining on every level--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. however, i think it's a good place for me to be, because i'm realizing how little i have to offer on my own, and when i'm running on empty i have no choice but to turn to the Lord. it's been interesting, and i feel like after a whole summer of it, i might come out of it a different person. i guess one of my biggest fears is that it'll just turn into a job and at the end of the summer i'll look up and won't have taken advantage of my time here.

i've been hanging out in the psalms a lot recently, so i'll leave you with a few verses from psalm 73 that i can't get out of my head.

psalm 73.25-26,28: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. but for me it is good to be near god; i have made the lord god my refuge, that i may tell of all your works." 

and finally, go download one of my new favorite songs: "bless the lord (son of man)" by tye tribbett & g.a.