five years.

today marks five years since my dad died and my life changed forever. i've felt a range of emotions today and in the days leading up to it, but honestly more than anything, i've just felt completely dumbfounded that it's been five years. i'm talking sincere disbelief. i've subtracted 2012-2007 a few times, and it always comes out to 5. i've counted the years on my fingers, and it always comes out to a full hand. how in the world did that happen?!

it's been quite a journey. instead of being consumed by flashbacks of that terrible day (which is usually the case on this day), i've really found myself thinking more today about the last five years -- everything that has happened and how much i've changed. it just baffles me (and bothers me, of course) when i think about the fact that dad hasn't been around for any of it.

>> think about all that's happened in the world in the last five years -- iphones and ipads galore, obama in the oval office, osama bin laden killed, massive economic recession... auburn in the national championship, the texas rangers in back-to-back world series, baylor athletics actually being good...

>> think about all that's happened in our family in the last five years -- we've added two spouses and an adorable little baby... i spent three years in waco and drew spent three years in denver... and now luke lives in longview but mom doesn't. weird.

>> think about all that's happened in my life in the last five years -- honduras, vietnam, ethiopia, india, mexico... college graduation, three years of seminary, seminary graduation... falling in love, proposal, engagement, wedding, moving to oklahoma...

i mean, SO much has happened... and that's all just external and circumstantial. i've changed so much internally, too. emotionally and spiritually i'm just a different person now than i was before this journey of grief began. sometimes i grieve the loss of that person. i miss the naivety, the unshaken faith, the feeling that everything would always work out. but if i step back for just a second and make myself be completely honest, i've got to wonder -- is that person really better?

sure, the 20-year-old, non-grieving me had a lot fewer questions and a much less complicated faith, but it's been through the questions and confusion that i've grown the most. i've been forced to decide whether or not to throw in the towel on this whole faith thing. i've been forced to decide if the bible is just a book or if it's the foundation of my life. i've been forced to decide if god really is who i claimed him to be for 20 years or if i was just born into a family that believed those things. i've been forced to decide if i'm going to trust him in his sovereignty or if i should just give him the stiff arm and try to figure life out on my own.

this is what i've learned -- god is good, faithful, and sovereign, and his word is true, whether i believe it at the time or not. if i close my eyes and think the sky is green, it doesn't change the fact that it's blue. when i've let myself get lost in a sea of self-pity, when i've cried until my eyes hurt, when i haven't understood why, god's character hasn't changed. god has been so incredibly gracious not to give up on me, and not only that -- but to continue bringing me back to him.

i don't think i'll ever understand why. i don't think i'll ever be finished dealing with it. i don't think it will ever be a completed chapter of my story, but rather a theme that began in one chapter and is continually thread throughout the rest of the story. so now we begin year six... and just like the previous five years, i'll take it one day at a time...