praise on display.

"For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,

and as a garden cascades with blossoms,

so the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom

and puts praise on display before the nations." -- isaiah 61.11, msg

"The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. " -- romans 8.19, msg

(don't those little buds just SCREAM expectation??)

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" -- matthew 6.28-30, esv

the prodigal god.

have you ever thought of God as prodigal? i certainly haven't, but maybe that's because i've had the wrong definition of prodigal. according to the dictionary, prodigal = "recklessly extravagant; having spent everything." as keller explains in the introduction, Jesus told this parable to show us "the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience, and the subject of this book." incredible, right?

in this book, keller walks through one of my favorite parables Jesus ever told, yet he explains it in a way i've never really heard before. it's typically referred to as "the parable of the prodigal son," and the way we usually think about it goes something like this -- the younger brother asked for his inheritance early, went off and wasted all of it, ended up coming home super remorseful, then the father forgave him and welcomed him back. but what about the older brother? -- he stayed home and did everything the father wanted, then was angry when the father welcomed the younger brother back -- what about him?

keller explains that both sons are lost. both sons wanted the father's things for their own self-centered ends rather than wanting to love, enjoy, and serve the father for his own sake. the younger brother wanted his inheritance so he could go off on a wayward adventure of self-discovery, and the older brother wanted to prove his impeccable morality so one day he could receive the inheritance he was due. both were in the wrong, and both represent ways we live in sin today. keller writes, "Sin is not just breaking the rules, it is putting yourself in the place of God as Savior, Lord, and Judge just as each son sought to displace the authority of the father in his own life."

it is outrageous how incredibly similar i am to the older brother in this story. in one chapter, keller lists common qualities of an older brother mentality, and i literally could check off every single one in my life. yikes! i might never consciously think, "if i do all the right things, i'll please God and he'll make my life go well." i must think it subconsciously though, because when my life doesn't play out the way i think it should, i tend to point my finger at God and wonder why he would let this happen to someone who has done everything she can to please him. what is that?! why do i think my good works entitle me to a carefree life?? why do i think i can control God if i do what he says?? why am i trying to function as my own savior?!

the best part of the story is when the father goes out to invite both sons into the celebration feast. the younger brother knew he was alienated from the father, and before he could even apologize, the father started partying. on the other hand, the older brother had no idea he was alienated from the father, and when the parable ends, we're left wondering if the older brother would join the party or not! as keller explains, "The prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it." it sounds so simple, but if you're functioning as your own savior, you don't recognize your need for one. likewise, if you don't understand the depth of your sin -- even if (especially if?) your sin is the wrong motivation for doing the right thing -- then you don't understand the depth of God's grace for you.

think on this: "Religion operates on the principle of 'I obey -- therefore I am accepted by God.' The basic operating principle of the gospel is 'I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ -- therefore I obey.'" how are you operating??

college town life.

chris and i moved to norman for the purpose of helping plant a church. we serve in several different ways (as everyone does at this early stage of the church plant), but at the end of the day, we want to focus on college ministry here. we really want to meet and love college students well.

so, for the 5 months that we've lived here, we've been brainstorming different ways to meet the 30,000 students at OU. wow. that can be super overwhelming at times... and by "at times," i mean, MOST of the time. but... good news, friends. we're taking baby steps. i feel like in the last few weeks especially, we've found fun, easy ways to be around college students.

we go for lots of walks on campus (which usually include the stadium, of course)...

we've gone to the free student night at the art museum (featuring their new disney exhibit!)...

we've gone to the real library...

and the more fun library...

we've gone to the men's gymnastics meet (they're #1 in the nation and one of them is going to the olympics!)...

we've run into trouble with the campus parking people (why are they terrible at every college? auburn, baylor, now ou)...

and last but certainly not least, we went to free pancake night at ihop for national pancake day -- where we were surrounded by poor college students.

okay, i know that was a lot, but aren't college towns just the best? we love it. thankfully, we've been more encouraged than overwhelmed recently, but those overwhelming feelings are frequent companions! pray for us as we keep trying to meet students here -- pray that god will provide opportunities and conversations for us. and for those of you who have done the college ministry gig before, we are certainly open to ideas!!

five years.

today marks five years since my dad died and my life changed forever. i've felt a range of emotions today and in the days leading up to it, but honestly more than anything, i've just felt completely dumbfounded that it's been five years. i'm talking sincere disbelief. i've subtracted 2012-2007 a few times, and it always comes out to 5. i've counted the years on my fingers, and it always comes out to a full hand. how in the world did that happen?!

it's been quite a journey. instead of being consumed by flashbacks of that terrible day (which is usually the case on this day), i've really found myself thinking more today about the last five years -- everything that has happened and how much i've changed. it just baffles me (and bothers me, of course) when i think about the fact that dad hasn't been around for any of it.

>> think about all that's happened in the world in the last five years -- iphones and ipads galore, obama in the oval office, osama bin laden killed, massive economic recession... auburn in the national championship, the texas rangers in back-to-back world series, baylor athletics actually being good...

>> think about all that's happened in our family in the last five years -- we've added two spouses and an adorable little baby... i spent three years in waco and drew spent three years in denver... and now luke lives in longview but mom doesn't. weird.

>> think about all that's happened in my life in the last five years -- honduras, vietnam, ethiopia, india, mexico... college graduation, three years of seminary, seminary graduation... falling in love, proposal, engagement, wedding, moving to oklahoma...

i mean, SO much has happened... and that's all just external and circumstantial. i've changed so much internally, too. emotionally and spiritually i'm just a different person now than i was before this journey of grief began. sometimes i grieve the loss of that person. i miss the naivety, the unshaken faith, the feeling that everything would always work out. but if i step back for just a second and make myself be completely honest, i've got to wonder -- is that person really better?

sure, the 20-year-old, non-grieving me had a lot fewer questions and a much less complicated faith, but it's been through the questions and confusion that i've grown the most. i've been forced to decide whether or not to throw in the towel on this whole faith thing. i've been forced to decide if the bible is just a book or if it's the foundation of my life. i've been forced to decide if god really is who i claimed him to be for 20 years or if i was just born into a family that believed those things. i've been forced to decide if i'm going to trust him in his sovereignty or if i should just give him the stiff arm and try to figure life out on my own.

this is what i've learned -- god is good, faithful, and sovereign, and his word is true, whether i believe it at the time or not. if i close my eyes and think the sky is green, it doesn't change the fact that it's blue. when i've let myself get lost in a sea of self-pity, when i've cried until my eyes hurt, when i haven't understood why, god's character hasn't changed. god has been so incredibly gracious not to give up on me, and not only that -- but to continue bringing me back to him.

i don't think i'll ever understand why. i don't think i'll ever be finished dealing with it. i don't think it will ever be a completed chapter of my story, but rather a theme that began in one chapter and is continually thread throughout the rest of the story. so now we begin year six... and just like the previous five years, i'll take it one day at a time...

vulnerable love.

in the midst of all the talk about hearts, chocolates, and flowers last week, i was thinking about what it really means to love and to be loved, and i was reminded of this quote:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

-- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

that v-word -- vulnerable -- can be a scary one for me. in the context of community, if i put my fears, dreams, questions, and thoughts out there, they are able to be laughed at, trampled on, and judged. in the context of ministry, if i let myself become emotionally invested in the people i'm ministering to (whether that be college students in norman or orphans in ethiopia), then i risk rejection and heartbreak. so, at times i've tried to protect myself by not sharing everything or by putting up walls, even if i didn't realize i was doing it.

in the last 4 1/2 months, i've experienced love in a new context. i've never felt so incredibly vulnerable as i do with my husband -- he knows my deepest fears and dreams, he knows my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, he knows the sins that most easily entice me and the idols i am most tempted to worship instead of christ. yet i've learned that in this deepest vulnerability, there is a deeper love than i've ever known.

unfortunately, the people you love the most and with whom you are the most vulnerable -- spouse, parents, siblings, mentors, best friends -- have the greatest potential to hurt you. the fact of the matter is, they are not perfect and they have and will let me down. that's such a hard realization for me, and it makes me want to lock up my heart and not share it with anyone -- but what a terrible existence that would be! we were created for community, we were created to love.

all of this makes god's love even more mind-boggling to me. how could he possibly love me more than my husband does or my parents have? because he IS love. talk about vulnerability -- he knows my every thought, my every word; he knows how many hairs are on my head (which is a lot!) and the number of my days. again, that can be such a scary thing for me. what if i give him everything and trust him with my life but then my life doesn't go the way i think it should? is he trustworthy? does he really love me? i'm learning (yes, learning -- even though i've been at this christian thing for almost 20 years and feel like i should understand the basics by now) that the answer to these questions is YES.

and unlike my husband or family or friends, god loves me perfectly. his love for me is unselfish and unconditional. i've got to know this to be true and really rest in it -- because only when i understand his love for me will i be able to trust him, being 100% vulnerable with him and giving him all of who i am. this could be huge... and a long time coming.